Thoughts On Having Another Child

cinemagraphs by Jamie Beck

What a long week this was. I still have many things left to do but procrastination continues to hover over me. I've gotten so lazy in the past few months as a stay-at-home-mom that I have very little motivation to get back in school and work mode. Sometimes I look at my mommy friends who are pregnant and with newborns and think maybe this is a good time to have another child. After all, I'm not getting any younger and I finally have some alone time while the children are in school.

I've always wanted three children. Two girls, one boy; my ideal family. I can jump at this chance to fulfill my wish but something stops me. It's a hint of fear and anxiety about the unknown as well as the things I know too well...

Like a whole year without my favorite foods like wine & sushi, gaining weight, letting go of beauty treatments like deep tissue massage, hair color & gel polish, feeling stuck in my pregnant body, lacking sleep, backaches and dull headaches, random breakouts, uncontrollable hormones, the heaviness in my chest, the shortness of breath....but mainly about no longer feeling like a woman and being entirely consumed by motherhood for another 2-3 years.

Some of my friends do this with so much ease and grace that I wonder if something is wrong with me. Pregnancy and raising newborn are the most difficult time of a woman's life but ironically, the most fruitful and memorable.

Perhaps I'm ready to start all over again, perhaps I remember that feeling all too clearly---that feeling of meeting my child for the first time, drawing her pink body to my chest and truly understanding the beauty & depth of maternal love.

I miss that feeling. But first, my life asks to be lived and enjoyed. Looking forward to tonight's dinner with girlfriends and catching up over bubblies.

Happy Friday.