Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way.

Another year came and left swiftly; I celebrated another birthday. This year's birthday was low key and hangover free as my humble celebration consisted of a relaxing lunch date with my mother and dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant with family.

I realized this may be the year when I stop counting publicly, no more "happy xx-th birthday!" from family and friends. I prefer it this way as the number of my age is slowly becoming cumbersome, a source of unwarranted regret and trepidation about remaining years.

Instead of planning a lavish birthday party with friends and buying myself a new birthday outfit, this year consisted of a consultation-gone-wrong (maybe I will share one day) and a series of desperate questions aimed toward God, the Universe and self.

I have so much to be thankful for- a supportive husband, two beautifully imperfect children and loving parents and siblings who appear proud of how I turned out at this age. I too, am proud of my achievements as a mother and wife and hold myself a little tighter for all the trials I've managed to overcome.

As always though, I remain hungry and thirsty. I'm blessed yet unfulfilled; I'm thankful yet still not whole. I've been searching for answers and realize God still wants me to wait. He wants to teach me patience, a virtue I lack since birth.

This birthday I agreed I'll wait a little longer. I told Him I'm sorry I'm so impatient and temperamental. I told Him I love him regardless and thanked Him for loving me regardless of my greatest flaw- my perfectionist ideals that drive everyone, including myself crazy at times.

And finally I asked that the fruit of my labor is great enough to satisfy my internal yearnings. If the fruit turns out to be trivial and mediocre (by my standards, not the world's) I would have a series of lifelong disappointments to face. I would endure it of course, but I want to remain womanly and graceful in my later years and not become that bitter-faced middle aged woman I come across so often at churches and school functions nowadays.

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way. I'm proud of you and love you... now go back to your roots and start doing what you do best. Now, go.

DOING is the hardest part, especially considering my inactive & contemplative personality where spending time and energy on preformed ideals feel like a cardinal sin.

God gave me a gift, and the opposite side of that leaf is the monstrous gape of my greatest fear.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Dream Scene #2: Flying vs Falling

"Best Cure" by JeeYoung Lee // Source Opiom Gallery

As a child I used to have frequent dreams about falling. I would fall from hills, valleys, mountains- and I would fall into dark abyss surrounded by symbols of death and deprivation.

I blame it on my dark thoughts created by too much reading and living in fantasy.

Eventually though I realized I can fly. I would simply tap my foot in the air and began to fly. I would fly over hills, valleys and the vast ocean into vibrant sunset-- and soon I became a superhero at night.

Flying has never failed me once, and in my dreams I'm fucking Wonder Woman.

Dream Scene #1: Escape

"Black Birds" by Jee Young Lee //  Source: Opiom Gallery

I had the most horrific dream last night. I was trapped by some unknown guy who plotted to kill me. The person who ordered him to do so was a crazy friend/neighbor. (Wonder if my intuition is telling me something). I was brave enough to run to the next office, lock the door behind me and plead desperately for help. The three young men in the room refused to help. I frantically called 911 and even the operator laughed.

He said something like, "Do you really think I'm gonna help you?" He chuckled and said I was crazy for thinking that someone was going to kill me.

In the end I made a dramatic escape from his apartment shielded by double doors, the last one barely big enough for me to squeeze through. I tried to run down the steep stairs as fast as I can but realized I was wearing heels too high. I took them off and started running. I woke up. 

At least I escaped. Phew.