Monday, June 27, 2011

Castle walls

Castle by Irene Sneddon

Currently busy, following my dreams and taking an active role in building my future. The key word is MY, not my children's nor my husband's but MY dreams. Maternal guilt permeates selfish dreams as if the past years of motherly duties were still not enough...and now six years after the birth of my first daughter, I'm finally coming to the realization that my sacrifices for the family will never seem enough, for my maternal desires are superfluous and can easily become excessive.

Contrary to the early years of my children's lives, I now find solace in knowing that the path to my children's true happiness comes from their mother- me- that is, my true happiness. Knowing my purpose in life resides not only within these walls but outside as well, I continue to sew together the wings that'll enable me to fly above and beyond the walls of our home.

I want my daughters to fly high one day, and the first step to achieving this desire is to take the flight myself.

It's finals week and I still question whether or not I'm doing the right thing by spending the day in front of the desk instead of playing in the backyard with the kids. But knowing this is the perpetual dilemma of working moms, I relinquish to the moment.

And no I'm not doing this simply for money I remind myself, but because God helped me to see the talents I possess, the talents that are meant to be used for others as well. This is the best way to prepare my daughters for their own independence and flight one day, my heart speaks.

Another chapter done. Literally. I remind myself that I'm one step closer to my vocation. I can one day help differently enabled children and help their mothers to see their endless potential. They don't have a learning disability, I will tell them, they simply need to taught in a special way.

One daughter is crying outside my door for attention while another daughter questions why I can't play with them all day long. How do I begin to explain to them that mommy needs this time for herself, that mommy needs to work hard for another role in the same way I worked hard to earn the title of their mother?

Do I begin with an apology, or do I just hold them silently and let my heart do the talking? At this time I can only choose the latter and ask them to be patient. God, please bless my beautiful daughters always and fill their hearts with abundant love, I shall never forget to pray. 

One day they'll understand. One day, so I tell myself.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Tale of the Moon

Do you want the moon? by Sayahemi

The moon hangs high and bright, telling stories of the past and illuminating new dreams. It may be the only constant in our fleeting lives.

Time is not a solution but the only thing that remains true and adulthood poses nothing but superficiality and untamed ego.

The death of you and me- the beginning of what you are and what I am. I miss the days when the truest longing was connection, nothing more and nothing less. I'm exhausted by life's notion of reality and the collective amnesia of what's really important, one's authentic, uninhibited self.

The self that's driven by its own dreams without losing sight of others. The self that smiles, cries and loves rather than collect, differentiate and hide. The self that is true. The self that is born.

This may be the single most difficult aspect of adulthood to pass through. So grateful for you, dear moon for being the only constant in time.

You may be the only thing that never loses its face.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Count your blessings

La Torrey Pines Hotel/ La Jolla, San Diego

Been extremely busy these days. I've always been pretty good at multitasking but the notion of multitasking changes its face and value when motherhood is in the mix. I've been immersed in my studies which means I have to sacrifice the things I really enjoy like reading a good book or writing.

Adulthood is all about setting priorities and mastering the process of give and take. Since we can't get everything we want, do everything we want to do in ways we want, we have to gradually learn to find joy and happiness in little things like visiting the zoo or spending a day at the beach with the family. Then we hold on to this joyous moment for a long time, sometimes even weeks, and use bits and pieces of such memories to keep us going through moments of stress, doubt and difficulty.

I wanted to imprint something inspirational in middle of my busy schedule and decided recent pictures of family is the best way to do so. These are pictures from Memorial Day weekend and we spent the most lovely time in La Jolla, San Diego. I wish everyday was like a vacation but knowing this is luxury that very few people can afford in real life, I'll continue to count my blessings and retrieve recent memories that make me smile.

Happy Friday everyone!