Tuesday, May 27, 2014

New Blog at www.mommy-diary.com

I've wrestled with the idea of sharing my stories for many years, perhaps since my daughters were born. A part of me wanted to share and connect, while another part of me wanted to keep my life private and free from public scrutiny. So I wrote. Erased. Wrote. Deleted. Yet this innate desire to write truthfully never goes away and I think it's time to follow my heart. 

I now share my honest story of motherhood with other moms- because stories without truth is not worth reading or telling. I've begun a new journey as a mommy writer. 

I hope you will join me! 

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day 2014

I never knew how amazing my mother was until I became a mom myself. I can't do half the things she does with the same love, patience, commitment and faith. I don't know how she managed to do it all with three kids; looking back, I was beyond blessed to have her as my mother.

As I get older, my children gets older and my mother gets older. I know aging is a normal part of life but it's starting to feel more real and sad as the wrinkles and gray hair on my mother increase day by day.

I always knew her as my mother, someone who is old, someone who had no real desires or dreams of her own. Looking back, I realize my mother was always a woman, a real woman who put aside her needs and wants for her three children.

I'm finally starting to understand the true meaning of a mother in my 30's and I hope it's not too late. I pray that my mother and I will have many more happy years to spend together and that she can live a long, healthy and fulfilled life to watch her granddaughters grow into bold and beautiful women.

Even as a mom, I become a little girl next to my mother. I still run to her for help, cry to her in frustration and act like a spoiled little girl at times of need. Yet she accepts and understands me as myself-- because to her, I am still her little girl. 

I know you may never read this but Happy Mother's Day mom. I love you and admire you endlessly. I will always try to emulate your grace and selflessness, so I can make your lifelong efforts and dreams worthwhile.

I can never repay you enough for everything you've done for me. Thank you for everything. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

A Gift from the Universe

This past weekend, the Universe sent me an unexpected gift in the form of heart shaped rose petals. I was emotionally and physically drained and felt little motivation to get out of the house when we suddenly came across a vast green lawn filled rose petals in the shape of roses.

We wondered where it came from--- perhaps a wedding or a proposal? We looked around and found no one. Odd, but what a lovely surprise.

Immediately my children's faces lit up, my husband who discovered the rose path smiled and my heart filled with quiet joy and gratitude.

We don't know where it came from, or who it was intended for but in that moment, it seemed to be waiting for us.

Such a sweet moment.

It's tiny moments like this that makes life so worth living.

Friday, May 2, 2014

When Motherhood Gets Complicated...Again

Today was my daughters' picture day. 

I awoke earlier than usual to help prepare my daughters for Picture Day and learned that they are outgrowing me faster than I can say wait! I'm not ready for that yet.  They are growing too fast, right under my nose, and I'm glad I chose to be a SAHM over a full time working mom two years ago. It was a difficult decision- as it often is for ambitious mothers- but judging by how fast my kids are growing, I couldn't have done anything more worthwhile.   

Gone are the days when I can choose pretty, frilly dresses with matching bows and instead, my daughter settled for her old favorite shirt with flower leggings for her spring pictures. Nowadays she refuses to wear anything new and loves everything old and boyish. She hates pink and likes loose T-shirts with big bold prints. She wants pink and blue highlights in her hair. She loves Arianna Grande (who the heck?) and these adolescent Disney stars who act like they are far too grown up for their age. How old are they anyway? I guess I can google it but I refuse, until I absolutely have to.

My daughters are 9 and 7 and I'm already starting to feel this. This. This generational gap. This mother-daughter power struggle. This innate urge to just yell you do as I say! but can't, because that's what my mother used to say and I made her pay for it when I became a teenager. 

Motherhood is so complicated, and it's getting more so now that they are getting older. In a weird, twisted way, I miss diapers and baby food. Even wearing breast pads. 

My husband tells me my younger daughter is going to the nurse's office way too often. He worries that she is using it as an escape from uncomfortable situations on the playground during recess. He knows because she is just like him. They are two peas in a pod; polar opposites from me.

As she gets older, I find that she tends to be too sensitive to people's comments and actions. She is too shy. I tell her not to take everything so personally. I tell her she needs thicker skin to live in this world.  The world is tough, and people too, are sometimes tough to deal with.

And that's okay my dear. Sometimes, you just need to move on. 

I've become that mom- lecturing, coaxing, repeating-- knowing there is little I can do to fix the situation.

My daughter is brilliant but too vulnerable, smart enough to achieve what her heart desires, but too much of a perfectionist. She is a part of him, a part of me.

And just like it was to me at one point of my life, this world is starting to appear confusing and difficult to my daughters' growing minds and it hurts to know there is little I can do. This is their world, and a part of growing up is learning to navigate on their own.

I once thought I mastered it all, during a period in which feeding, diapering, bathing, holding and comforting were enough to meet my children's daily needs. Nowadays I'm starting to feel lost--again--as I face situations where my control means nothing.

Sometimes not doing is harder than doing.