Saturday, December 21, 2013

Frozen

Source: Flickr crashtrope


Sometimes I wonder, just how it all started, how it came to be what it is, and why we couldn't walk away sooner. Was it your calming voice that is neither deep nor high, your smile that is neither bright nor shy-- or was it your quiet demeanor that is neither caring nor careless.

Perhaps it was this ambivalence that made me falter and lose my pride. Perhaps it was the indifference you always treated me with, the indifference that no one in the world showed, but you.

I was tired. Tired of the caring, tired of the protecting, the maintaining, the questioning, and the answering. Sometimes all I wanted was silence and apathy. I'd tell myself I want to connect when in reality, I feel most comfortable floating aimlessly like a ghost. Sometimes I want to step away from everyone and everything and just be, in silence.

My life is anything but indifferent, anything but silent, and this is perhaps why I couldn't walk away sooner. Now that I'm walking away from your world of cold and damp non-emotions, I feel vibrant and warm. My heart begins to flutter and I'm beginning to remember what it feels like to live an ordinary life.

Good-bye my silent love, good-bye. Thank you for the years of indifference, for giving my frozen heart a companion.

Now I leave my cold heart at your doorstep, for there is no room for her in my warm home.

Eternal night has passed; sun arises at the break of dawn.

Good-bye.

Jean Rhys: After Leaving Mr. Mackenzie

Source Flickr neekaisweird

from After Leaving Mr. Mackenzie (1931)
And suddenly she was immensely calm and indifferent to anything that had ever happened or could possibly happen to her. It was like that. Just when in another moment your brain would burst, it was always like that. She sat placidly with her knees rather wide apart, and her eyes fixed calm.
She felt nothing, except that she was tired and that she wished to be left alone to rest there, quietly, in the darkened room. It seemed to her that she had been there forever and that she always would be there, and that getting up, moving, would be impossible. But they must leave her alone, leave her alone. Then even that thought left her. She floated…floated….And shut her eyes.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Black & White Decor

I have an exciting new project underway- collecting inspirations for my dream home!

We've been searching for a new home for months now and so far it's been a rather tiring and frustrating experience. When we find a home we absolutely love, it is priced above our budget or a cash buyer takes it. I was sure I found my dream house last week -- until the bank counter offered and it went to someone else.

The real estate market in Southern California remains difficult and bubbly for buyers but I'm not giving up until I find the perfect home.

I'm a firm believer that just like marriage, there is that perfect home that is meant for me and my family. With enough patience, time and prayers, things will work out!

Meanwhile, here are some black and white decor ideas I'm inspired by. Because I tend to get tired of bright colors, I'm leaning towards simple neutral (eggshell) walls with black, white and brown furniture with accent colors that I can switch out depending on the mood & season.

I like the utilization of masculine /feminine, dichotomous look of black & white pulled together by gold accents. Brown, beige or taupe colors seem to work just as well.



Image via Pinterest

Via 79ideas

Love the symmetry and use of light, neutral colors with black lines. Love the layering of textures and patterns- all in the same neutral tone.

Via Carina Orlander
I adore this workspace, although I'd need more room. I doubt I can maintain something like this with two kids who love to crawl all over me when I'm at my desk but a girl can still dream, right?

Friday, December 6, 2013

Dreams & Fables: Korean Artist JeeYoung Lee

Childhood // Source Opion Gallery
Treasure Hunt 
Resurrection
The Little Matchgirl
Nightmare
Maiden Voyage
Treasure Hunt
Nightmare

Once in awhile I come across an artist whose dreams, imagination and fears parallel my own that I'm immediately drawn to it like magnet.

South Korean artist, JeeYoung Lee's recent collection of dreamlike and transcendental images is a perfect example of this and I'm awed at her ability to create such breathtaking scenes that are dark and beautiful at the same time.

She used her own dream scenes and traditional Korean folktales as inspiration for these images. 

The objects, props and backdrops used in each scene were created by hand and no digital manipulation was utilized. More strikingly, she used her tiny studio in Seoul (11.8'X13.5'X7.8') as blank canvas to depict her boundless imagination.  

Lee opens her first European exhibition at Opiom Gallery in Opio, France, aptly titled Stage of Mind starting February 7, 2014. 

You can view more of her work here

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

11.12.13- The Beginning of Tiny Stories


Life continues to present itself as unpredictable and non-linear contrary to a childlike dream--- and the only way I can make any sense out of present ordeals seem to be the need for tiny stories; for raw, painful and raging stories that permeate everyone's lives but few talk about.

As soon as my life begins to feel ordinary, another extraordinary event follows without my consent- and life is rolling out its red carpet awaiting for me to take my first step as a story-teller.

This red carpet is not glamourous like Hollywood nor perfect like a Taoist's zen...it is tattered, abused and abandoned yet gleaming its beauty under the array of stars that shine without a grid, lost but perfectly orchestrated into a Godly pattern.

Like a shaman who can't shake off an unknown illness until she becomes fully ritualized into her destined role, I must gather my scattered energy and begin to write.

Do I write for the listener or do I write for myself. How do I rationalize the hours spent away from my family by accepting this role. Where do I begin.

Knowing how much story telling can dig up painful memories, knowing the tragic end of many writers consumed by their passions that double as self-deprecating demons, this is a dilemma my head continues to fight.

I keep running away and life keeps bringing me back. I want to run but can't hide. Why do you keep me from living my normal life as a housewife. Why am I putting up a fight.

My muse is my biggest fear and she won't let go until I abide.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

One Morning of an Imperfect Mother

Mother and Child, Gustav Klimt c. 1905

This morning I heard a tragic news: a close friend has cervical cancer and had to abort her second child to prevent the cancer from spreading. Luckily she found out early enough--thanks to a routine check up necessitated by her pregnancy-- and is now recovering from a hysterectomy.

As a mother and friend, the news hit me pretty hard and as I was sending positive thoughts and prayers her way, my heart began to ache. I could only imagine how hard it must've been for her to go through such immense stress and worry while carrying a new life in her womb. I wonder how much grief she felt knowing she may not be able to keep her child. I wonder if she blamed herself for not taking better care of herself or for not being attuned to her body like 'good' mothers are expected to.

I hope she didn't. I hope she is stronger than the mother I am.

Such self-deprecating thoughts began to haunt my mind as soon as my first daughter started showing signs of developmental delays. She didn't wave, babble or crawl like other babies and I knew pretty early on that she was different. As a young 25-year old mother I didn't know how to handle the weight placed in my life and I resorted to isolation, self-contempt and unhealthy patterns of thoughts that included many angry "why me?" rants into the air as if someone up there can do something to help me.

Miracles occurred in the bible all the time. Why couldn't God let that miracle happen to me? Just once, is all I ask. If you can somehow heal my child and make my life right again, I'll do anything you ask. I'll even start going back to sunday mass like I used to. Please Lord, just once! Just once is all I ask!!

Fast forward eight years- I now realize how empty and vain my prayers were. This wasn't the first time I tried to bargain with God with my manipulative prayers. I once prayed like this when I lost my dog in high school. I told God I'll start going to Sunday mass every week if He lets us find him.

We found the dog after a few days and sure enough, I forgot all about my prayers. I followed my parents to Sunday mass many more times thereafter but not because I was grateful that God found our, but because I had no choice but to obey my parents until I leave home for college.

How convenient.

So this morning, I crawled back into bed after sending off the girls to school and began to pray for my friend. My heart began to ache for her, her lost child and for all the pain and grief she may be going through.

Just then my husband walked through the bedroom door and told me Elise had a horrible morning at school. She didn't like the blue jeans she was wearing and screamed all the way to her class while kicking and trying to take off her pants. We're lucky that the school staff and teachers are so understanding of her needs and always try to be warm and kind to her in spite of her explosive tantrums, no matter how loud and piercing her cries travel down the hallway.

And as always, guilt creeps in. 

I should've been there to drop off the kids. I should've never put those blue jeans on her. I shouldn't be in bed right now. I wonder if those teachers think I'm a bad mom for not being there, for giving my husband the morning drop-off duty. I should've never taken that melatonin last night. I should be able to handle my child better. I wonder if T feels embarrassed by her older sister who lacks self control at times. I hope she doesn't get teased at school. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with her? Is this ever going to get better? Will this ever end?

Then I remember I still have an entire afternoon and evening to make up for the bad morning. I still have a lifetime to try harder, to become a better mom, to learn more, to criticize less. I still have a chance to hold my children and tell them I love them. I still have not one, but two beautiful children to hug and kiss.

Despite my daughter's different needs, she has the sweetest smile and the biggest belly laugh in the world. She can tell me she loves me. She can walk, she can talk and she can scream when something upsets her.

I've been wrestling with the possibility of having a third child. Suddenly this so-called-mommy-dilemma feels like luxury. Suddenly I feel like a spoiled brat who cries over not getting that ice cream for dessert when her belly is full.

Perhaps I'm at exactly where I'm supposed to be, learning through other's stories and my own imperfections.

Perhaps this is all, that really matters.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way.


Another year came and left swiftly; I celebrated another birthday. This year's birthday was low key and hangover free as my humble celebration consisted of a relaxing lunch date with my mother and dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant with family.

I realized this may be the year when I stop counting publicly, no more "happy xx-th birthday!" from family and friends. I prefer it this way as the number of my age is slowly becoming cumbersome, a source of unwarranted regret and trepidation about remaining years.

Instead of planning a lavish birthday party with friends and buying myself a new birthday outfit, this year consisted of a consultation-gone-wrong (maybe I will share one day) and a series of desperate questions aimed toward God, the Universe and self.

I have so much to be thankful for- a supportive husband, two beautifully imperfect children and loving parents and siblings who appear proud of how I turned out at this age. I too, am proud of my achievements as a mother and wife and hold myself a little tighter for all the trials I've managed to overcome.

As always though, I remain hungry and thirsty. I'm blessed yet unfulfilled; I'm thankful yet still not whole. I've been searching for answers and realize God still wants me to wait. He wants to teach me patience, a virtue I lack since birth.

This birthday I agreed I'll wait a little longer. I told Him I'm sorry I'm so impatient and temperamental. I told Him I love him regardless and thanked Him for loving me regardless of my greatest flaw- my perfectionist ideals that drive everyone, including myself crazy at times.

And finally I asked that the fruit of my labor is great enough to satisfy my internal yearnings. If the fruit turns out to be trivial and mediocre (by my standards, not the world's) I would have a series of lifelong disappointments to face. I would endure it of course, but I want to remain womanly and graceful in my later years and not become that bitter-faced middle aged woman I come across so often at churches and school functions nowadays.

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way. I'm proud of you and love you... now go back to your roots and start doing what you do best. Now, go.

DOING is the hardest part, especially considering my inactive & contemplative personality where spending time and energy on preformed ideals feel like a cardinal sin.

God gave me a gift, and the opposite side of that leaf is the monstrous gape of my greatest fear.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Dream Scene #2: Flying vs Falling

"Best Cure" by JeeYoung Lee // Source Opiom Gallery

As a child I used to have frequent dreams about falling. I would fall from hills, valleys, mountains- and I would fall into dark abyss surrounded by symbols of death and deprivation.

I blame it on my dark thoughts created by too much reading and living in fantasy.

Eventually though I realized I can fly. I would simply tap my foot in the air and began to fly. I would fly over hills, valleys and the vast ocean into vibrant sunset-- and soon I became a superhero at night.

Flying has never failed me once, and in my dreams I'm fucking Wonder Woman.

Dream Scene #1: Escape

"Black Birds" by Jee Young Lee //  Source: Opiom Gallery

I had the most horrific dream last night. I was trapped by some unknown guy who plotted to kill me. The person who ordered him to do so was a crazy friend/neighbor. (Wonder if my intuition is telling me something). I was brave enough to run to the next office, lock the door behind me and plead desperately for help. The three young men in the room refused to help. I frantically called 911 and even the operator laughed.

He said something like, "Do you really think I'm gonna help you?" He chuckled and said I was crazy for thinking that someone was going to kill me.

In the end I made a dramatic escape from his apartment shielded by double doors, the last one barely big enough for me to squeeze through. I tried to run down the steep stairs as fast as I can but realized I was wearing heels too high. I took them off and started running. I woke up. 

At least I escaped. Phew. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Family Trip: Mayakoba, Riviera Maya, Mexico

Entrance to Mayakoba resorts: Banyan Tree, Rosewood, Fairmont Mayakoba

Playa beach


It's been almost two months since we returned from our family trip to Riviera Maya, Mexico but I've been so busy I'm now posting pictures. As expected, Mexico was a lot of fun and the beaches were beautiful beyond imagination. Every view looked picturesque and perfect as if it jumped out of a travel magazine or a postcard. I now understand why people say the caribbean is more beautiful and swimmable than the pacific side.

Our 8-day stay was full of adventures and surprises- and everyday brought something new. We walked along 5th street at Playa del Carmen, swam in cenotes under sleeping bats (eek!), ziplined upside down & rode sand buggies at Selvatica, engaged in tons of family friendly activities at XCARET and visited two famous ruins: Coba and Tulum.

Coba was fun because we were able to climb up the ruin and Tulum was breathtakingly beautiful. It was hot and humid so tons of sunblock, water bottles and frequent breaks were a must but the efforts were well worth it. The rich history and culture of Mayans were fascinating and educational, and even though my kids are still a bit young, I'm glad they got to see and feel the remnants of such an influential and historic civilization. 

Tulum


The only downside of the trip was our flight back with Aeromexico, and I would not recommend this airline to anyone especially families with children. They are rude, unprofessional and extremely outdated in their amenities and service. I wrote a long review regarding my experience on Yelp but for some odd reason, it keeps getting deleted. Hmmm...

Traveling is priceless as it provides so many educational opportunities for children. Not only do they learn more about different cultures, languages and heritage, they also learn how fortunate they are to be living in a place like America where water is drinkable and every toilet stall comes with seat covers.

Here we have an abundance of food, supplies, and technological tools while many parts of world still struggle to possess what we have. I explained this to the girls while passing by little kids playing in the slums and paying pesos to use clean restrooms. I hope they understood- or at least, remember so they can one day understand and wish to share with the less fortunate.

All in all, our trip to Mexico was memorable and despite our concerns about safety, we felt safe most of the time. We were bold and adventurous and drove everywhere on our own. Despite the occasional weird stares by natives, we were okay-- and I'm glad we got to experience a part of Mexico on our own without tour buses and expensive guides.

I'm thankful for my family who make traveling more fulfilling-- my hardworking husband who makes these trips possible and my beautiful and boisterous children who turn everyday into an adventure.

Thankful, thankful & thankful- and I'm looking forward to our next family trip which I hope takes place in Asia.
Last dinner at Rosewood Mayakoba

Mayan tapestries and artwork, Coba



Tuesday, April 16, 2013

California Love

 

Spring is officially here.

California is beautiful as always, but I'm ready to leave temporarily for a much needed getaway. Ready to explore a new world, will update soon with my adventures.

I rose- because He sank-
I thought it would be opposite-
But when his power dropped-
My Soul grew straight 
          -- Emily Dickinson

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Book Review: On becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington


I picked up a new book this week, in need of an extra boost and inspiration. It's difficult to wake up every morning feeling inspired and hopeful, and I've found reading to be one of the greatest tools for self-reflection, awareness and motivation.

Arianna Huffington's On Becoming Fearless in Love, Work and Life is an inspirational read for all women. It's an easy read broken down into short, readable chapters, and I'd like to recommend it for all women from working professionals to stay-at-home moms, singles to divorcĂ©es.

I believe there are certain obstacles and trials that are specific to women in this world, and Arianna Huffington does an excellent job exploring women's experiences in love, life and the workplace using research, statistics as well as personal stories.

Women often feel lonely in their journeys through life, work and love. Instead of traveling in solitude however, we can reach out to other women and learn that our journeys are all intertwined in one way or another.

We are all travelers seeking love, happiness, fulfillment and connection-- and at times this journey puts fear in our hearts. I too, face some fears of my own, including fear of failure, fear of imperfection, fear of rejection and fear of passing time.

Somehow this book placed me back on the path- and I will keep pushing forward in courage & gratitude.

One element that fearless women share is the sense that there is always more- more challenges to face, more risks to take, more failures to overcome, more influence to have, more success to revel in, more trees to plant.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Sunnies for Summer

I'm a huge sunglasses lover and for a good reason. I spend most of the week wearing nothing on my face but sunscreen and BB cream so having the right pair of sunnies is essential for me. It covers my flaws and instantly transforms my all-natural face (sometimes not so sightly) to one that is stylish, confident & chic.

I live in So Cal so it's often hard to find the exact model/color I'm looking for even at the most popular high-end department stores. New & popular models are often sold out or limited in stock so this time I decided to take my chances and search for them online.

I've been on the hunt for the perfect pair of sunnies for Spring/Summer of 2014 and after some research, I was able to gather some helpful information which I now want to share.

1) THE CLASSIC:

CELINE AUDREY SUNGLASSES




OLD CELINE AUDREY- MODEL NUMBER CL 41755/S
Photo credit Ma Chic Vie
Celine Audrey sunglasses have been popular for a few years now, and it comes in two models- CL 41755 and CL 41805. These are sold out and difficult to find at major department stores and very few online retailers carry them.

The above model with round bottoms are often referred to as 'Old Audreys' as this is the original design inspired by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

As expected it is classic and chic-- the perfect epitome of Hollywood glamour. I love its thicker frame and Celine's signature dots at the edges of the frame. It is truly a timeless piece, and will add a dose of glamour to any outfit.


CELINE NEW AUDREY CL 41805/S Havana/Brown

I recently purchased the Celine 'New' Audreys in turquoise to replace my brown Chanel's that I recently lost (heartbroken*). Celine Audrey in black is a timeless classic you can never go wrong with--but I wanted to try a different model & style so I took a leap of faith and decided on the revamped design.

The New audrey's have a more squared bottom and the top frame is slightly more cat-eyed. I love how effortless it looks in the above picture. It's oversized much like the original Audrey's and fits well on my face. I'm extremely happy with this style.

2) RETRO INSPIRED

I've been on the hunt for a retro-inspired round glasses for some time now and it's been nearly impossible to find the right shape/size that suits my face! I like my sunglasses slightly oversized (I feel that this is most flattering for all face shapes, making your face look more delicate and smaller) and most round glasses are too small, too old-school, too John Lennon-like.

Then I came across a few designs with good reviews- slightly oversized round glasses that are more modern yet still keeping true to its retro roots.

  • KAREN WALKER SUPER DUPER STRENGTH

Photo credit Fashion toast

I absolutely LOVE the oversized round look with the perfect amount of classic, edgy & funky --and I recently purchased mine on Shopbop. I received it, loved it but it's a little too oversized for my slender face. Still debating whether I should keep it or not-- but will most likely return them for another round glasses. I highly recommend the Super duper strength for others though, and it makes any average face look 10 times smaller.

I definitely want to add a pair of Karen Walker sunglasses to my collection and here are a few models I particularly like.


Here are few more round frame sunglasses I'm lusting after. I recently ordered the Stella McCartney round ones- will post another review when I receive it.

  • STELLA MCCARTNEY- ROUND SUNGLASSES





  • ILLESTEVA- LEONARD I & II


ILLESTEVA Leonard I & II

Here is a helpful article about choosing the right glasses for your face type by Cutler and Gross, which by the way is another great designer for eyewear. 

I'm loving my new Celine Audrey's-- It's well made with distinctive sophistication. The Stella McCartney Round glasses are cute & retro and will look adorable with any casual summer outfit.

*UPDATE*


I ended up returning the Stella McCartney round glasses for another pair of round Celines. Model number is CL 41801/S.

By far these are my FAVORITE round sunglasses and my go-to pair. Smaller than Karen Walker's Super Duper Strength and with better shape than Stella McCartney's round pair. I've had these for about a year and still good as new.



Wearing Celine Round Sunglasses

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Made for another world


I was made for another world.
But I have no choice but to be here.

I will strive to be happy.
I will make it out okay.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

On Pain & Suffering


I don't like the words pain & suffering.

They sound too harsh, too deep and too dramatic. I hate feeling pain and I hate the suffering that comes with pain. These feelings are usually felt with a deep sense of loss, and I hate losing things that mean something to me.

I lost a few friends & family members to death. At age 11, I lost a close friend who 'accidentally' killed himself while playing with his younger brother. It involved a scarf and a door knob. Everyone tried to keep it a secret from me as I was only a few weeks away from moving far, far away. My mom suddenly told me I didn't have to go to school anymore. I told her I didn't get to say good-bye to my friends yet.

I knew immediately something was wrong because my mom never let me skip school unless I had a fever but I played along as if I didn't know or hear anything.

Until this day, I never got to say good-bye to my friends.

Pain & suffering continued throughout teenage years into adulthood. The worst kind of pain I would soon realize, comes not from losing people to death but from losing things & people to currents of life---like my childhood innocence, an old lover--or loss of a friend & trust built upon years of memories now turned to broken promises.

It was such loss of connections that seemed most painful & tragic. I later discovered in adulthood that such losses were considered to be normal, a natural course of life.

Indeed, pain & suffering are inevitable for a deep understanding and deeper heart. Depth of pain teaches us the depth of our soul and depth of suffering teaches us the depth of life.

I guess pain & suffering taught me something; I'm now 'intelligent' enough to know this. Yet one fact remains.

I don't like pain & suffering. I especially hate watching a loved one endure such a loss. I hate this. I wish I can curse it in the face and make it go away.

Go away.

Monday, February 25, 2013

An attitude of gratitude


I realized my attitude of gratitude has been on the decline lately, so coming across this inspirational quote by Milton is probably one of life's little epiphanies.

I'm currently on a strange path, a path I never envisioned I'd be walking in. It's a little scary, a little exciting, and a little lonely all at the same time but at the end of my night I know I'm blessed for this newfound opportunity. At times I yearn for a companion, someone who shares my intimate details down to the most trivial anxieties but I know this is a journey meant to be travelled alone most of the time.

We come into this thing called life alone..and just like that, we must leave alone. An attitude of gratitude helps us to count our blessings that exist in the form of family, friends, lovers & children but at the end of it all, we must first and foremost be kind to ourselves and nurture our individual journeys.

Excited for tomorrow's encounters, epiphanies, experiences & teachings. Tomorrow is another day, a day that I will strive to live out better than today.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What If You Wake Up One Day and You're Not Angry Anymore?


I've been waking up these days feeling much more inspired and motivated. As I recall, it was around this time of the year two years ago when I was suffering from disappointment & heartache. Everyday felt like struggle and I was trapped in these intense feelings of anger, hurt & betrayal.

I knew better, of course. I knew I need to stay positive, let go and move on but when one is in crisis, these things are much easier said than done. Often people are stuck in this negativity, and without even realizing it, move on in denial rather than resolution.

Humans are highly adaptable beings- and over time, we've mastered the process of denial, repression, avoidance & pretense. It's often much easier to move on without dealing with all the ugly feelings and covering them up with fake smiles. I don't blame anyone for this, as we have jobs to return to in the morning, bills to pay and responsibilities to uphold.

I too, tried this...without success- and perhaps it was this repeated failure that brought me to the lowest point in my darkest state.

Today I look back and am grateful that my threshold for avoidance, denial & repression is fairly low.  Because of my heightened awareness of my own struggles and fears, I was able to face my problems head on and learn one important lesson- perhaps the most important lesson of my lifetime.

That there are things, many things in this world that I cannot do on my own.

One was forgiveness. It didn't come easily and I was trapped in anger for too long. At times I find myself going back to that dark place of loneliness & betrayal, that place where I feel completely and utterly alone and misunderstood.

What I needed was God and time. I needed to pray, seek and wait patiently. I waited..and waited. I wrote and waited. I read and waited. I waited and waited...

And one day, I woke up and realized

I wasn't angry anymore.

Monday, January 14, 2013

When I was younger..


Women re-defined

      
It's been awfully windy lately with no sign of slowing down. This winter has been much colder than usual, which I embrace quietly as I pull out my fur, beanies & boots from the closet.

I find myself wearing lots of black and dark neutrals during this time of the year and frankly, black is what I feel most comfortable in. I used to love white and other bright colors in late teen's & 20's but they feel too loud and vibrant for my present state.

I began college as an art history major and later switched to English mainly because I wanted to take more film & modern british literature courses. At the time majoring in film wasn't a viable option, especially for my traditional parents who'd ask "what can you possibly do by majoring in THAT?"-- in Korean of course.

I settled with English because it left me with most career choices. If worse comes to worst and I can't further my career as a writer & literary critic, I'd become a teacher..if not, I'll just live doing what I love the most- read, write, get married and have a few children along the way...

Looking back now it's true. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.


The first few months of my second child, the lack of sleep & fluctuating hormones left me with an episode of postpartum depression which led me to go see a therapist in desperation. Along with some promising feedback about the importance of positive thinking, the doctor recommended I start a gratitude journal--which inspired this blog.

Secondly, walking away from a career to stay home with my children taught me many invaluable lessons in which there are too many to list..

One of them being the importance of staying grateful, counting blessings, and finding joy in smaller, trivial moments of daily life. And finding beauty in the dull and grotesque- even on days of messy hair & no make-up, lounging around and feeling like the unproductive, uncontrollable crazed mother I never wanted to be.

I often crawled through many sleepless days & nights in the past years but looking back now, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I needed to mourn, learn & grow into a new woman. Today I love & appreciate my husband more than ever before and I never take anything for granted when it comes to my children's health & happiness.

I don't think I was ever really a girly girl, which could've amplified my difficulty transitioning from a young woman to a stay at home mother. But I'm definitely glad God placed me into this role (albeit against my wishes) because now I understand He knew what I needed better than myself.

I needed to find myself, not simply discover a new me but REDISCOVER who I really was meant to be.

REDISCOVERY

That woman is one best defined by black & white; a woman who doesn't beg attention yet still radiates confidence, individuality & femininity in an understated manner.

I'm a woman who appreciates light & beauty yet captivated by elements of darkness and subtlety; a woman with nude face who enjoys red lipstick on rare occasions, a quiet yet rebellious soul with love for killer heels, electronic music & hidden tattoos.

I don't like to stand out and often feel uncomfortable with attention, yet there's always a desire to express myself.  My soul cannot be contained in silence. I want to share my passions with the world not to gain praise or fame but simply to connect with other artistic, creative & soulful beings.

As E.M. Forester expressed in these two simple words,

Only connect...

Without connection, what else is left?