Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What If You Wake Up One Day and You're Not Angry Anymore?

I've been waking up these days feeling much more inspired and motivated. As I recall, it was around this time of the year two years ago when I was suffering from disappointment & heartache. Everyday felt like struggle and I was trapped in these intense feelings of anger, hurt & betrayal.

I knew better, of course. I knew I need to stay positive, let go and move on but when one is in crisis, these things are much easier said than done. Often people are stuck in this negativity, and without even realizing it, move on in denial rather than resolution.

Humans are highly adaptable beings- and over time, we've mastered the process of denial, repression, avoidance & pretense. It's often much easier to move on without dealing with all the ugly feelings and covering them up with fake smiles. I don't blame anyone for this, as we have jobs to return to in the morning, bills to pay and responsibilities to uphold.

I too, tried this...without success- and perhaps it was this repeated failure that brought me to the lowest point in my darkest state.

Today I look back and am grateful that my threshold for avoidance, denial & repression is fairly low.  Because of my heightened awareness of my own struggles and fears, I was able to face my problems head on and learn one important lesson- perhaps the most important lesson of my lifetime.

That there are things, many things in this world that I cannot do on my own.

One was forgiveness. It didn't come easily and I was trapped in anger for too long. At times I find myself going back to that dark place of loneliness & betrayal, that place where I feel completely and utterly alone and misunderstood.

What I needed was God and time. I needed to pray, seek and wait patiently. I waited..and waited. I wrote and waited. I read and waited. I waited and waited...

And one day, I woke up and realized

I wasn't angry anymore.

Monday, January 14, 2013

When I was younger..

Women re-defined

It's been awfully windy lately with no sign of slowing down. This winter has been much colder than usual, which I embrace quietly as I pull out my fur, beanies & boots from the closet.

I find myself wearing lots of black and dark neutrals during this time of the year and frankly, black is what I feel most comfortable in. I used to love white and other bright colors in late teen's & 20's but they feel too loud and vibrant for my present state.

I began college as an art history major and later switched to English mainly because I wanted to take more film & modern british literature courses. At the time majoring in film wasn't a viable option, especially for my traditional parents who'd ask "what can you possibly do by majoring in THAT?"-- in Korean of course.

I settled with English because it left me with most career choices. If worse comes to worst and I can't further my career as a writer & literary critic, I'd become a teacher..if not, I'll just live doing what I love the most- read, write, get married and have a few children along the way...

Looking back now it's true. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

The first few months of my second child, the lack of sleep & fluctuating hormones left me with an episode of postpartum depression which led me to go see a therapist in desperation. Along with some promising feedback about the importance of positive thinking, the doctor recommended I start a gratitude journal--which inspired this blog.

Secondly, walking away from a career to stay home with my children taught me many invaluable lessons in which there are too many to list..

One of them being the importance of staying grateful, counting blessings, and finding joy in smaller, trivial moments of daily life. And finding beauty in the dull and grotesque- even on days of messy hair & no make-up, lounging around and feeling like the unproductive, uncontrollable crazed mother I never wanted to be.

I often crawled through many sleepless days & nights in the past years but looking back now, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I needed to mourn, learn & grow into a new woman. Today I love & appreciate my husband more than ever before and I never take anything for granted when it comes to my children's health & happiness.

I don't think I was ever really a girly girl, which could've amplified my difficulty transitioning from a young woman to a stay at home mother. But I'm definitely glad God placed me into this role (albeit against my wishes) because now I understand He knew what I needed better than myself.

I needed to find myself, not simply discover a new me but REDISCOVER who I really was meant to be.


That woman is one best defined by black & white; a woman who doesn't beg attention yet still radiates confidence, individuality & femininity in an understated manner.

I'm a woman who appreciates light & beauty yet captivated by elements of darkness and subtlety; a woman with nude face who enjoys red lipstick on rare occasions, a quiet yet rebellious soul with love for killer heels, electronic music & hidden tattoos.

I don't like to stand out and often feel uncomfortable with attention, yet there's always a desire to express myself.  My soul cannot be contained in silence. I want to share my passions with the world not to gain praise or fame but simply to connect with other artistic, creative & soulful beings.

As E.M. Forester expressed in these two simple words,

Only connect...

Without connection, what else is left?

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life is Never Random

Call me crazy but I still believe this.

Perhaps my belief is a stubborn way of wanting my life until now to make sense. If this turns out to be untrue, my life will suddenly be back into chaos, in that black hole of late teens & early 20's with no sense of direction or clear vision.

Or perhaps my belief comes from the truth- the one simple truth that one must never forget in this crazy, unpredictable cycle called life.


Faith in something we've never seen, faith in something intangible like destiny.

Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is ever random. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

First trip of 2013: Wynn, Las Vegas

Tower Suites, Wynn

The destination of our first family trip of 2013 was none other than Las Vegas. Las Vegas is one of our favorite getaways because it's only a few hours away from home and offers an array of activities, fine dining, nightlife and fun for the whole family.

We usually spend the day with the kids visiting places like Circus Circus, Caesar's palace & Mandalay Bay for family friendly activities. We play games, visit the aquarium, visit white tigers at the Secret Garden and just enjoy all the spectacles that Las Vegas has to offer.

This time we watched the Mac King Comedy Magic show which turned out to be a lot of fun. The kids had a blast and I greatly enjoyed my first magic show. I'd highly recommend this show to anyone, even families with older kids (kids ages 4-5+) as it is very kid appropriate (with occasional crude humor that young kids can easily bypass) and Mac King turns out to be a very pleasant and likable guy with smart humor.

As always the trip was a blast and I was sad to leave our beautiful room behind, back to reality with chores and daily routine. My body was fighting off a cold all weekend and despite not feeling my best, I got to enjoy Vegas to the fullest with good food, good company, good music and quality time spent with loved ones.

The beginning of 2013 is very positive and hopeful thus far and I have big plans for this year. Starting something entirely new and taking chances are never easy but I believe it's time. Must find a way to get back into work mode and get the ball rolling again.

Making positive changes, taking chances & keeping my eyes high on the prize....

This is how I'm beginning my 2013.

A room with a view
Reina Cosmopolitan, Tower Suites Bar
Nervo @ XS
Date night w hubby

Friday, January 4, 2013

Hello 2013

2012 was filled with many things, both ups and downs, and the holidays felt somewhat rushed and shaded by dark spirits in the universe. The Newtown tragedy left me heartbroken beyond words and I couldn't stop questioning why the evils of the world keep gaining momentum while goodness dissipates.  

2013 is now here and I'm ready to begin with renewed spirit and positivity. Despite downfalls of life and tragedies that surround us I have much to be grateful for and blessings to count.

I begin the year with three simple prayers--- thank you, I'm sorry and I love you. Sometimes I feel this is all God needs to hear.

God bless & happy new year. 2013 is going to be amazing.