Nostalgia: college years

Film camera & Pink Telephone by Andreka

I used to blog before the word blogging existed in a place called Xanga.  Last night I was feeling a bit nostalgic with nothing better to do so I decided to log into my old account to delete old pictures and posts. Of course I no longer remembered my password so I had to recover it in a time-consuming process and the entire time all I wanted to do was get it over with, to delete all traces of my embarrassing past.

A few clicks later, I came across an old blog written by my old college roommate, my crazy friend/ex-partner-in crime-now-turned-mother-of-my-daughter's-bbbb-ffffff (as the five-year old girls call each other).

There it was, a story of my past-- a story of my college years full of reckless choices and ceaseless longings. It was a time of transition from adolescence to adulthood and as expected our lives were full of uncertainty, anxiety, broken hearts and broken promises.

We were resentful and heartbroken over ex-boyfriends, unhappy with our part-time jobs and the only thing we didn't complain about was hanging out drinking, talking, partying, attempting road trips and shopping for that perfect over-the-top Halloween costume.

We were untamed, raw and daring. We used words like *fuck and *shit proudly and loudly, at boys and into the air. We didn't care what others thought about us as long as we had each other.  We didn't care to limit our alcohol consumption, censor our words and didn't think about taking daily vitamins or exercising. We didn't care about acting proper like a lady or protecting ourselves from men in the dating scene.

We were adventurous and bold. We were willing to take risks in love, in life...willing to try something new at least once and not afraid of making mistakes while doing so. We can fall in love quickly and explore more freely. We were young, carefree and despite our angry rants toward life, love and men- we loved life because everyday was a new adventure.

What started as an attempt to close out one chapter of my life turned into a newfound appreciation for my past- even my imperfect past- and it made me miss what we once shared. It triggered many memories that have been buried for too long and helped me to rediscover a part of myself that was long forgotten.

NOSTALGIA

I miss my early 20's. I miss its passion, its angst, its carefree joys, even its pains. If you asked the 21 year old me where I would like to be at age 31, I would've probably said in a happy marriage with children, in a loving home with successful career. I accomplished most of them and for this I'm grateful, but I can't help but to feel a sense of longing, this intense longing for a part of my past that is irreversible, irretrievable...

I wish I can go back to 10 years ago even for a day but knowing this is not possible all I can do is let out a sigh, put on a smile and keep moving forward. I also remind myself that this moment is the youngest I'll ever be, that I need to always be grateful for what I have today.

Thank God for memories, for words that capture our memories; for friends and for lovers both old and now.