25 things you didn't know about me

I was going through old files in my computer and found this list I wrote in 2009. I began to cross out ones that are no longer relevant and.....

1. The most difficult part of life, for me, is waking up early in the morning. I have a bad habit of using my bed as a site for running memories, drafting things-to-do-lists, future plans, etc. and as a result, have trouble falling asleep swiftly and rising early in the morning.

2. I don't like to wear anything too flashy with bold patterns. I prefer wearing simple neutral or dark colors with unique accessories and statement shoes.

3. I've had several near-death incidents in my lifetime. In high school, I lost two close friends in a car accident and know I could've easily been in the car that day. In college, I was hit by a car (as a pedestrian) on a rainy day during finals week. I now realize I could've sued the UC system to become a multimillionaire at the age of 20, but at the time, I was just grateful that I was alive and breathing. When UCR started building speed bumps in the area where I'd been hit, I couldn't help but to feel like a sacrificial lamb.

4. Possibly as a result of #3, I spend a lot of time pondering about the meaning of life, death, and everything in between. So if you ever see me silently observing a trail of ants or looking over the mountains with distant eyes, you can be certain that I'm thinking about one of the three.

5. I don't like to be ordinary and don't like anything ordinary. When shopping for a car, I choose a color that no one has (even though it is uglier than traditional black or white). When choosing baby names, I check and re-check popular baby name lists to make sure the name is not popular.

6. I'm passionate about life. I'm passionate about my beliefs, my experiences, my dreams, my failures, my family, my friends, what I know and what I do not yet know. I believe that life without passion is life not worth living (or what makes us different than an animal?).

7. I'm pretty clear about what I like and what I don't like; what type of people to admire and what type of people to stay away from. I don't really dislike or hate anyone deep down inside because I realize everyone's different and some are just plain ignorant.

8. I like to try new things at least once except when it comes to food. I don't eat anything I don't recognize or anything too exotic like shark's fin. I don't doubt that duck tastes great, but please don't try to force feed it to me. I know steak tastes better rare, but I'll stick to my medium thank you.

9. I'm a neat freak. Living with a laid-back husband and two toddlers helped me to loosen up a lot, but I still sanitize the toilet every other day and wipe the bathroom mirror every night. I like my clothes to be folded and lined up a certain way and will jump out of bed at night if I see a piece of clothing sticking out of the drawer. When I don't have enough time or energy to clean to my satisfaction, I just walk around with my eyes closed to prevent coming face-to-face with my two worst fears- disorder and mess.

10. Because of #9, I don't like to use public restrooms, especially for number 2. In fact, I don't remember the last time when I used a public restroom for this purpose. My husband says this is a gross habit, but I just hold it until I get home unless it is a true emergency. Sorry, TMI. :)

11. When a Non-Korean person asks me where I'm from, I wonder whether I should say Korea, South Korea or Southern California. When I say Southern California, he or she says, 'No, where are you REALLY from?' and when I say Korea, he or she says 'North or South?' I'm used to such naivete but I do wish they'll make themselves clearer next time.

12. Every personality/psychology test says I make a better leader than a follower but I like to be somewhere in between.

13. I am a big nerd at heart. When I was a young girl I read incessantly, only stopping to eat and use the bathroom so I can go back to reading. This cycle lasted from about age 7 to 9th grade summer.

14. Then I became a trouble maker in HS. My school counselor hated me and tried to find ways to expel me from school. One day, he called me to his office and falsely accused me of being in a gang that I've never heard about (I was never in a gang).  Just like this, 4-years of HS are a big blur as if they didn't really exist- Or perhaps I wasn't wholly there.

15. I dream about writing a novel one day even though I know I'm not a great writer. This is embarrassing to say, but I even have a few pages filled with incoherent ramblings and prospective character names and scenes.

16. I'm type ENFJ- the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity or simply put, the Idealist Teacher- and fit this mold quite perfectly. I'm secretly proud of the fact I share this type with historical figures like Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Oprah Winfrey and President Obama- along with the special 2% of the entire population.

17. I don't do well on standardized tests but have no problem grasping complex theories and philosophies. I'm learning disabled when it comes to math but can analyze a literary passage without much difficulty. I prefer theory over theorems, art over logic and abstraction over pragmatics. Good thing I chose literature over law.

18. I'm terrified of the unknown. This explains why I can't swim in the ocean (because you never know what's inside) and am easily stirred by horror stories. If I can't explain it, see it and touch it, I'm fearful of it, except of course, God and his mysteries.

19. I have a keen sixth sense and can 'feel' things that others don't usually notice. I've experienced prophetic dreams on several occasions, the first experience being at the age of 8 or 9. I'm convinced that my fate is intricately linked with the universe- or perhaps, everyone's is and I just spend more time thinking about it.

20. I'm more spiritual than religious. I am firmly rooted in my Catholic faith and know this is what works for me, but don't believe that non-Christians will go to hell. I read the bible for meditation rather than memorization and refuse to take every word literally. Therefore, I don't believe in using the words 'I'm saved.' The worst type of people in this world, in my opinion, are religious hypocrites.

21. I'm Catholic but for gay rights. I'm liberal but pro-life. I respect Korean tradition but believe many Korean adults are less respectable than their children. My heart yearns to return to Korea every single day but I can't imagine settling there permanently. I practice yoga and self-reflection as a way to deepen my Christian faith. Sometimes, I'll even recite Hail Marys and Our Fathers during yoga practice. You see, my life is full of contradictions.

22. I can't watch a film or even a short commercial without analyzing it. I can't read a book without marking its margins with side notes and questions to come back to. What started as a part of my literary training turned into a lifestyle that can't be undone. It's both a blessing and a curse.

23. If I had to choose between being a multimillionaire socialite or a solitary artist, I'd choose the latter in a heartbeat. If I had to choose between a huge walk-in closet filled with designer clothing & handbags or a cherry-oak library filled with rows and rows of books, I'd choose the latter as long as the room comes with a plush leather chair. Crazy, I know, but I told you I was a big nerd at heart.

24. I believe that indifference is the greatest societal ill of all times- even worse than racism, sexism and homophobia combined. Like they say without a diagnosis, there is no cure.

25. I am too verbose and need to work on being concise. See above.

How things have changed in the past 3 years. I now drive a white car, wake up at 7 every morning and have a closet full of designer things and still no library. I no longer discuss theories with students, instead take boring multiple choice tests and study graphs. My house is a mess and I stopped writing on margins when I read books. In fact, I haven't read a worthy book in months. I even forgot that I used to dream about writing books.  My life is entirely ordinary and being a multimillionaire sounds better than solitary artist.  I rarely reflect on the meaning of life, forgot how it feels to love like there's no tomorrow and can't remember the last time I had a meaningful dialogue about the two.

What happened to me since 2009. What happened in the past 3 years. What will happen when I turn 40? Is this the natural course of life or is my surrounding changing who I am inside? Time to get my life back in order.