The Paradox of Duties

Cupcakes & sprinkles

It's Monday morning and I just sent the two children off to school, husband off to work. I'm definitely not a morning person so awaking early in the morning to fulfill my motherly duties has been one of the most difficult part of the day. As one can imagine, starting off the day by doing the one thing that I'm not good at has been a true test of my endurance and sanity.

I'm currently in the process of re-programming my subconscious mind to be a more positive, happy & hopeful person (more on this later if anyone is interested). I don't know if my perfectionist & anal tendencies are wired into my DNA or are learned behaviors I was indirectly taught from a young age but at age 30, I'm finally undoing these unhealthy thought patterns and learning to let go.

I have to stop seeking perfection and accept imperfections that I'm surrounded by daily called children, husband and life. I need to stop these urges to clean up every mess I see around the house and learn to enjoy life first. Usually by this time I'd be doing dishes, picking up toys in the living room and straightening out the kids play room for the tenth time in two days.

Today, I'm enjoying my cup of hazelnut coffee and writing instead, making conscious efforts to stop- and slowly let the day unwind.

Today, I'm grateful for my daughter turning 4 and that I have lots of responsibilities to fulfill as a mother. Normally I'd be stressed out, obsessively going over the to-do list over and over in my head. Today, I'm gonna take it easy and just begin slowly with ease and grace. I'm blessed to have my family. I'm thankful to be home.

Rediscovery

At the Carnival by Joy StClaire

One of the main reasons I began this blog is to become a more positive person. The best way to be positive I thought, is to first learn gratitude about every little thing I possess, even about the things I have yet to possess, and truly feel like I'm blessed, fulfilled and content.

I was tired of always trying to be positive and failing. I was tired of dragging my feet through the day with mind half-alert, heart half-filled. I finally decided it was time to live fully, happily & energetically. And for me, this means materializing everything that I'm thankful about- giving them life through words and visuals.

These days, my entire day is spent by doing things for other people. For my children, my husband, my family. I know this is a normal part of being a mother and wife but such self-reducing sacrifice has been the most difficult for me, and I was always afraid to speak out about it.

Now I realize all I need to really think about is what helps me to stay positive, what makes me happy-- and writing makes me happy. Writing honestly without restraint makes me happy. Sharing stories make me feel connected. And dreaming keeps me hopeful, making today's problems seem trivial and unworthy of worry.

I'm hoping this blog will let me do all of this and more and that somewhere out there someone is listening, as I quietly listen to my own heart flutter in relief of self-rediscovery.

Mantra

Phenomenal Woman by Artstudio Norarts

This world is beautiful

I am beautiful

The creator loves me deeply

I deserve to be loved

Things will be just fine

Just be patient, time will unfold

Blessings awaiting me

Only the best

Smile.

Repeat.

2011

New Light

Beach Day by Joy StClaire

It's been awhile since I've had the urge to write. My mind was in a mental fog for a long time and nothing could get me out of it. Some said it's because I no longer attend church, others said I should pray more, exercise more, eat more healthy, do this, do that, yaddi yaddi yadda--- as if these were things I haven't tried before.

For the first time in a long time, my mind is working again. I'm able to think more clearly and appreciate things around me. I actually looked up in the sky today and noticed how bright the sky was, how white the clouds were and how green the grass looked. I'm pretty certain all these things were always there, just as they are; something kept me from seeing these beautiful things that surround me daily.

Today, I thank God for showing me a glimpse of the beauty that exist in the world. Today, I'm grateful for who I am and for the ability to detach myself from who I used to be.

Amen. Namaste. It doesn't matter. I'm grateful, and gratitude is the universal language of love.

New understanding

Overall, 2010 was a good year for me. I was granted some of my lifelong wishes and entered a new decade called the thirties. Yet I couldn't shake off the feeling that something was missing even though I appeared to have everything on the outside- a loving husband, two beautiful children, a supportive family and friends I can count on.

For the longest time, today was simply another extension of yesterday and tomorrow carried no greater meaning than today.

Then it occured to me. Somehow, somewhere along this journey called life, I had lost the most essential components of life- growth, hope and gratitude. Instead, I was consumed with constant worry and anxiety, even during moments when I should've been nothing but thankful and fulfilled.

So as the new year unfolds I begin this blog, dedicated to myself and all things I'm grateful for. I don't have a target audience or any intention of profiting from this site. Rather, I want this blog to serve as a constant reminder of all things I'm grateful for and all things I should continue to be grateful for. I finally understand that fruit of hope & gratitude is the most profitable asset I can ever behold.