I had a harder time than usual waking up this morning and sure enough, it was raining outside. After rushing to get the girls ready and sending them off to school I'm finally in full relaxation mode, the kind of relaxation that is only possible on rainy mornings with a warm cup of coffee. My room is still dark, gently illuminated by a candlelight. My heart is content and I feel full.
Even though nothing is going exactly as planned and the Universe asks me to be patient over and over again, my heart is full.
Before going to bed last night I decided to write again in my old journal. There it was, abandoned and isolated inside a neglected drawer, just sitting there...this poor pink thing...just sitting there like its given up on being recovered.
The first page began with some sort of hysterical rant and I had written a big Fuck you XXX across the top of the page. Wow, I never realized I was so hurt and angry back then.
All the shameful memories came rushing back like a storm--the memories of coming down with postpartum depression after my second child, of being on anti-depressants when she was just four months old, of not being able to find myself in midst of motherhood, of struggling to pick up the pieces after a marriage that seemed to be slowly falling apart, of being completely disconnected with myself and others emotionally, of being regretful of my decisions, of not being able to overcome my fears, of cutting other people too much slack while not giving myself enough room to grieve.
I came such a long way since then; it's amazing to see how much strength and perseverance I carry deep down inside. I'm not proud of all my decisions and actions, yet I'm proud of overcoming a series of obstacles that could've easily broken me down.
So today, nothing is really going as planned in the big picture. I'm still finding solace in accomplishing daily duties as a mother and wife. But it's the beginning of another day and there is so much room and time for another serendipitous encounter, another revelation, another epiphany. It's not here yet, but it will be here. Soon.
Meanwhile I'm going to make myself another cup of coffee, enjoy the sound of the rain, and give myself a big hug for doing such a damn good job of living this crazy thing called life.
The journey to happiness begins over and over and over again.
Isn't the clarity that comes with the rain refreshing? We see it so infrequently and often don't look forward to it but the milky light that drifts in through the open windows is it's own kind of magic.
ReplyDeleteYou describe that feeling so well. Yes I find rainy days so refreshing. It brings clarity and makes me look into myself a little deeper. :)
DeleteYou're a great writer and a great post! And I can relate, some days I'm like, "what did I get done today?" but realize that being a mother and loving my kids and taking care of them is the most important thing I could've done. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.ourlifeisbeautiful.com/
Thank you! I think the hardest part of motherhood is remembering that we are doing so much for the family, even though our mundane work is unpaid and often goes unnoticed. Great to meet you!
DeleteThat's great to be able to look back on hard times and see how far you've come. Enjoy the rain :)
ReplyDeleteI love the rain because it calms my soul. Thank you! :)
DeleteWhat a beautiful post A!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to get caught up with blogging again.
Thank you for your lovely vulnerability. I personally have been going through some changes and I had to really pull myself back and be reminded of the value I have in my life foremost.
Beautiful words! Let's meet up and catch up soon!
I love the air of a positive vibe throughout this post! Life is so darn crazy, but your last sentence says it all. We have to pat ourselves on the back, and always remember the journey to happiness constantly begins over and over again! Thank you for sharing, and reminding me of this!!
ReplyDelete