Castle walls

Castle by Irene Sneddon

Currently busy, following my dreams and taking an active role in building my future. The key word is MY, not my children's nor my husband's but MY dreams. Maternal guilt permeates selfish dreams as if the past years of motherly duties were still not enough...and now six years after the birth of my first daughter, I'm finally coming to the realization that my sacrifices for the family will never seem enough, for my maternal desires are superfluous and can easily become excessive.

Contrary to the early years of my children's lives, I now find solace in knowing that the path to my children's true happiness comes from their mother- me- that is, my true happiness. Knowing my purpose in life resides not only within these walls but outside as well, I continue to sew together the wings that'll enable me to fly above and beyond the walls of our home.

I want my daughters to fly high one day, and the first step to achieving this desire is to take the flight myself.

It's finals week and I still question whether or not I'm doing the right thing by spending the day in front of the desk instead of playing in the backyard with the kids. But knowing this is the perpetual dilemma of working moms, I relinquish to the moment.

And no I'm not doing this simply for money I remind myself, but because God helped me to see the talents I possess, the talents that are meant to be used for others as well. This is the best way to prepare my daughters for their own independence and flight one day, my heart speaks.

Another chapter done. Literally. I remind myself that I'm one step closer to my vocation. I can one day help differently enabled children and help their mothers to see their endless potential. They don't have a learning disability, I will tell them, they simply need to taught in a special way.

One daughter is crying outside my door for attention while another daughter questions why I can't play with them all day long. How do I begin to explain to them that mommy needs this time for herself, that mommy needs to work hard for another role in the same way I worked hard to earn the title of their mother?

Do I begin with an apology, or do I just hold them silently and let my heart do the talking? At this time I can only choose the latter and ask them to be patient. God, please bless my beautiful daughters always and fill their hearts with abundant love, I shall never forget to pray. 

One day they'll understand. One day, so I tell myself.