A Rare Religious Post: God Missed Me.

So about a month ago this is I wrote in a blog post. 

But it's the beginning of another day and there is so much room and time for another serendipitous encounter, another revelation, another epiphany. It's not here yet, but it will be here. Soon.

Well, I was right. That revelation, the epiphany that I was seeking came to me in the form of an invitation to lead a women's retreat coming up in August.

To tell this story, I must rewind and explain a bit about my religious background.

I was born and raised as Christian, Catholic to be exact. I don't like to make the distinction between Christianity and Catholicism because Catholics are the first Christians and Christians are further divided into protestants, baptists, methodists etc. but I won't get that technical or historical here. Well, I was raised as a Catholic-Christian.

My parents were devout Catholics and religious education was very important in my family. We never missed Sunday mass or a church camp, retreat, and other events held at the church. I was baptized, confirmed and married in the church. (Well to be exact, I had to have two weddings, one with a Protestant pastor and one with a Catholic priest. More on that later).

It was an unquestionable part of my existence. Naturally my parents assumed that I would marry a nice Catholic guy and continue to live out their unchallenged faith.

In a strange twist of fate, I married a PK- A Pastor's Kid- who also shared the same strict and conservative religious background. His father served as a pastor for over twenty years and the same religious ideals were upheld in their home. When it was time to be married I was told by my Mother-In-Law that I must convert into their protestant faith because I was the wife.

It took me less than a second to say I won't do anything like that against my will- and of course, trouble ensued. What seemed like a silent religious battle broke out between the two families and both my husband and I only knew what we were told at the time- we must choose one religion and give up the other.

Well years passed, children were born, and we were still unable to figure out a good solution. We still couldn't find a home church and we began our lonely journeys as Catholic-Protestants who travel here to fro like floaters. We attended his dad's church at times, attended mass at times and skipped church altogether most of the time.

In my marriage, the word "religion" was an oppressive force and I couldn't understand why God placed such confusion in my life. I was accused of negative traits that came along with being classified as a "Catholic" and I eventually stopped calling myself Catholic altogether.

If religion was becoming a source of confusion and disruption in my life, there was a reason. God was asking me to seek him deeper. I went from being a Christian, to Catholic to SPIRITUAL.

Thus my lonely spiritual journey began. I began to delve into other religions like taoism, hinduism and buddhism. I picked up whatever books I can find and began to read. I would go from Hindu literature to the bible to a book written by a priest who turned taoist.  I researched words like "New Age" and "Transcendental movement." I learned about Mormonism, Judaism and atheism. I talked to priests, buddhist teachers and psychics.

Being from the Asian culture naturally made me gravitate towards Eastern spirituality like buddhism and taoism, yet I still loved the rich traditions of Catholicism. There was something missing from every religion- or so I felt- and nothing seemed to completely fill the void I felt in my heart.

I never doubted the existence of God, I just needed to find my own way of serving and connecting with Him.

Sometime in 2007- during my lowest point of motherhood and the 20's- I found out about a women's retreat called the Cursillo that coincidentally began on my 27th Birthday. I was desperately seeking for answers to my spiritual agony, and therefore attended the weekend asking God for answers, clarity and strength.

I also needed to work out some emotional and psychological issues, as I was diagnosed earlier that year as clinically depressed.  I was told by a psychiatrist that I would need medication for at least a year, yet I hated the way anti-depressants made me feel. I said screw the medication- and vowed that I would find a better, more holistic way to heal myself.

I went into the weekend desperate and desolate and came out, three days later, feeling like I saw and felt a glimpse of heaven on earth.

I was a new woman and the next chapter of my spiritual journey began. I still couldn't figure out how to resolve the religious conflict between me and my husband's family but learned that it didn't matter anymore.

God didn't care what religion we belonged in. He just loved and missed us, and wanted us to stay close to him. He wanted us to pray with a humble heart, communicate with him daily, include him in our daily lives and every decision that we make. He wanted us to love ourselves and each other. He wanted us to serve others selflessly while not forgetting how much He loves and appreciates us.

That was all-- that was it. I truly believe that there are no religions in heaven. God does not categorize us into different parts- this is a very 'human' thing to do.

God does not categorize, condemn nor stereotype.  God loves and accepts us all. 

My spiritual journey is still ongoing. I feel this is a journey I will be taking until the day I die. But God planted a small seed in my heart that weekend and many miracles, both big and small, took place in my life since then.

Two weeks ago, I received a random phone call from my previous leader asking me to take over her place. Of course, this position is entirely voluntary and non-paid, much like the work I do around the home (Which goes entirely against my adolescent dreams- hah!). I will be serving as the spiritual leader of the upcoming women's Cursillo weekend. It's a position of honor that I know I'm unworthy to be given.

Even at this moment I don't know how I can fulfill this cause, and fill the role given to me. I don't follow all the rules of the institution or serve actively in a religious community. I'm far from dogmatic. Yet God is calling me because He needs me for a reason I do not yet understand.

I accepted this calling simply to serve. God calls, I will obey and follow. It's the least I can do for all that He has done for me. My human head doubts my worthiness as a leader- even now I don't know if I like the term leader.

I'm not a leader, but a follower of Christ.  Perhaps this is why He chose me.

I'm now embarking on another spiritual journey.  I don't know how it will play out; all I know is that God missed me.