Reconciliation

Bird house by Beverly LeFevre

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything you gave me."

Today I reconcile with myself, with past mistakes and failures and with those in my environment.  Instead of pushing forward with a false sense of security and comfort and finding myself regressing to the same place, I will push forward with strong conviction, faith and most importantly, love in my heart.

It makes no difference whether a bird is tied by a thin thread or a cord. Still, it cannot fly.

Palm Sunday

I planned to attend mass with my mom and sister but ended up spending the entire morning in my bed instead.  The wind was howling all night and I couldn't fall asleep until very late.  I have to admit it was actually quite nice waking up to complete silence instead of the usual sounds of kids & a dog, being able to lie in bed all morning without getting up to fix breakfast or get kids ready for school.

I bought flowers for myself yesterday as a token of apology and gratitude. I neglected my heart for too long and I wanted to say I'm sorry.  I wasted too much energy fixing my surroundings without fixing myself from within.  I must care for my heart and forgive myself first before I can forgive anyone else.

I'm sorry and I love you.  Let's start over.

Happy 7th Birthday Elise!

Elise at Disneyland. 3. 29. 2012

We celebrated my daughter Elise's birthday by spending a day at Disneyland.  I can't believe she's already seven years old.  It is through her I got married at the premature age of 24 and because of her I'm doing what I do today.  She came as an unexpected surprise to my life and while there were many moments of uncertainty and anxiety as a young wife and mother, I can now confidently say that I am who I am today because of her.

She taught me countless invaluable lessons in life- the most important lesson being learning to let go of control and let God steer my life.  She taught me that no matter how articulate my plans are, none compares to that of God and that with every difficulty comes greater blessings.  This is not to say I'm at the end of my journey because difficulties are not over and greater blessings are on its way.  At times I still experience moments of despair and regret. Yet today, like every day of my life, I'm grateful that I am her mother and that she is my daughter.

My daughter still has many difficulties and needs daily medication and therapies to function like the average child.  I used to dedicate my prayers for her to "get better" and for her conditions "to improve."  Recently I began to realize how foolish I was, because God tells me that she is perfect just the way she is.

She has trouble with communication but knows how to connect better than some adults.  She needs medication but enjoys food like no other.  She loves to sing, dance, play, laugh and already knows how to enjoy the moment and be present in everything she does while I still struggle with this at age 31.  She has a stubborn streak like mommy but is already gifted with the art of letting go.  She does not harbor negativity and does not complain, judge or condemn like many of us.  She radiates her smile and laughter to everyone around her and teaches me everyday what it means to love without expectations.  She teaches me not to take anything for granted, that every little thing like reading, talking and exercising are only possible through God's grace.

She is love, love itself and serves as a daily reminder of the person I need to become.

Happy Birthday Elise!

I love you from the depth of my heart and without you, I could've never reached this deep. I owe the depth of my heart to you- my love, my life, my everything.

Courage

On Pain by artstudio Norarts 

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear- Ambrose Redmoon

My best friend texted me this quote today and it is just what I needed to hear on this gloomy Saturday afternoon. God has a funny way of bringing people and inspiration in our lives when we most need it when we least expect it.

It's finals week in which months of efforts and self-control are put to the final test.  It is now time to put myself to test and get closer to my long term goal.  I'm still amazed I'm doing this as I'm in school for something that is entirely different from what I had imagined but again, God has a funny way of placing us in strange paths when we least expect it.

I'm going through a momentous transition now, a transition that is frightening and difficult. They say happiness comes from within but there are instances where one's surroundings obstruct the heart from truly feeling the happiness one deserves.

Some say you can find happiness wherever you are.  Others say you can't rely on someone else to make you happy.  Of course happiness comes from within but sometimes rediscovering one's happiness requires courage followed by pain.  Either way I must find my place and myself again.  The only thing that matters is my heart- and sometimes it takes a random phone conversation with an old friend to remind myself the goodness of my heart.  

Courage takes time. Courage takes work. Courage takes perseverance.  Courage takes faith. I can't let fear stop me from being courageous because God would not have placed me here if I wasn't able to overcome it.