Happy 9th Birthday Elly

My dearest Elly

Where do I begin. You are the foundation of my life and the tie that binds our family. Without you we might not even be here today (and no, it's not an exaggeration) and thanks to you, I always had a reason to hold on a little longer, try a little harder and love more selflessly.

Raising you wasn't easy. With your pretty smiles and sweet giggles came many trials and uncertainties that began when you were barely one years old. You have no idea how much it hurt to know that you may be different from other kids.  I felt a deep sense of guilt and failure as a mother; as your mother. Yet your differences came with such abundance of blessings and love that I think I finally understand why God's plan is more perfect than our own.

Despite your sensitivities, you are a happy and healthy child. Your sister Tessa doesn't like to do anything without you and despite your sisterly quarrels, you are her best friend and play buddy. You have wonderful friends who like to hold you by the hand and show you new things.  You have an amazing set of family and friends who genuinely love you for who you are. I hope you felt how much love was in the air during your birthday song because baby, you are truly loved and so blessed.

You continue to radiate your surrounding with your angelic presence and purity. Everyone who gets to know you tell me you are an angel. Your innocence and beauty are so rare and so untainted, it sometimes makes me feel bad for others who eventually has to become worldly in order to survive.

You taught me one of the greatest lessons in life- and that is the ability to let Go and let God. You also taught me the value of spiritual over material, and precedence of inner purity over outwardly achievements. You show me God's love in its purest form- one that is selfless, unconditional and always hopeful.

Elise, you are an angel from heaven; my eternal grace and lifelong teacher. Thank you for coming into this world as my daughter because without you, my life would've been nothing but a meaningless cycle of superficial desires and worldly achievements.

Through you, I now understand the deeper meaning of love and faith. You are perfect just the way God made you. You are more perfect than anyone else I know.

Happy birthday my sweet child, I will take care of you and protect you eternally.

Happy 7th Birthday Tess

My Dearest Tessa,

This morning you returned to school after a long winter break excitedly saying, "Mommy, this is my first day of school as a seven year old!" Seven years after your entrance into the world, you remain bright and vibrant as the sun and your exuberant spirit can lift anyone from the darkest days.

I still can't believe how fast the past seven years flew by and as I write this, all our memories flash before my eyes like an old filmstrip that I wish to recover but can't. I know I should find solace in our thousands of pictures and memories etched deep inside my head yet I can't help but to feel a tinge of sadness that you are no longer a baby. It makes me wonder if this is how your grandmother felt when I turned seven years old. You see my child, you always inspire me to reflect on valuable life lessons, including those I somehow missed while raising your sister.

Today, I feel this sudden urge to go back to 7 years ago to the day you were born. I even chuckle at the thought of wanting to start all over again as I know time cannot be retrieved. I know I begged you to fall asleep more quickly last night as you were going to bed, but I must continue to remind myself to enjoy every bedtime kiss because you are growing every minute, the way you did since the moment I held you in my arms for the first time.

I still remember the day you were born like yesterday. I started having contractions on the morning of my due date in the form of a dull ache in the bottom of my belly. It came and went, and came and went in tiny waves. I was beyond excited as it was finally time to see you for the first time, although I already knew you by your tiny kicks and movements in my body for months now. We left your sister with grandparents and daddy took mommy to the hospital. We stopped by at Starbucks for a cup of iced coffee and Del Taco for some french fries because mommy was craving it for some weird reason (Sorry baby for the bad cravings).

I was admitted to the hospital in the morning and you entered the world that evening at 5:02 pm. When it was time to push, you came out so easily I remember saying "That's it?" to the nurses after what felt like a few minutes. Unlike the first time, your birth was fairly smooth and I was lucky to be able to breathe in every detail of your first minutes with a clear head and grateful heart.

You were smaller than your sister at 6 pounds and 6 ounces with a head full of dark hair. I still remember you squinting your eyes at me with the cutest wrinkles around your forehead and nose. My heart leaped with joy at your cuteness. I thought you were the most beautiful little person in the world.

A few days later daddy brought home a doll that looks just like you. You eventually named her "Mimi" and still sleep with her every night. And until this day, you make the same wrinkly nosed face when you smile at me as if you already know that it's my favorite face in the whole world.

When you were born, your older sister was about 20 months old. By this time we knew your sister needed early intervention, so you have no idea how grateful I was when you began to walk and talk on time. God first gave me your sister to teach me patience, perseverance and strength, then he brought you into my life to consecrate his plans. Through both of you, He gave me the courage & faith to let go of my selfish desires and plans, for his plans are more perfect than our own. I let go and he gave me you. You brought so much love and joy to this family and completed us by being the perfect youngest child and little sister to Elise.

To be honest, there were many nights when I cried myself to sleep because being a mother was so hard sometimes especially when no tests and therapies seemed to work for your sister. I often felt like I failed as a mother and a deep sense of guilt and regret crept in whenever I was mentally and physically exhausted.  It's as if God already knew this, because through you He taught me that I had not failed as a mother. I was truly special in his eyes, because he trusted me with two beautiful girls like you & your sister. How loved and blessed I am. You see my child, you helped me to love myself even more deeply during a difficult time and helped me to grow as a mother.


I still remember your adorable bob hairstyle that brought out your spunky personality. I remember the years of princess phase during which you would go through countless plastic princess shoes and glittery dresses. I remember your funny little dances in diapers. The mess you make with your food. The way you climb on your daddy's back like a monkey. The way you hold me at night and kiss me over and over again. The way you call me Mommy Queen. The way you throw tantrums, get in trouble, then quickly turn around to tell me you are sorry. Your countless drawings that began as soon as your tiny fingers can grasp a crayon.

The way you love me despite my mistakes as a mother. How quickly you forgive. How easily you love. How thoughtful you are. How your eyes light up when you come across something you like. How you make that wrinkle nosed smile over and over again. How you still like to be held like a baby with your head gently rested against my chest. How you and I discovered our sweet spot when holding each other so we can feel each other's heart beating. I remember all these and much more---and cherish every moment we shared since the day you were born.

My sweet Tessa, there is no way I can capture my love for you in words. I love, love and love you so much from the deepest part of my heart. And I thank you for entering this world as my daughter because you are so right for me. You are so similar to me, yet so different. I still can't get over how similar you are with your dad sometimes. You help me to see a piece of his childhood that I find it easier to embrace his flaws and mistakes. You help me to love more deeply and unconditionally. You fit into my life like a puzzle and I can't imagine a child more perfect for me than you. And I was given one wish, I'd wish to go back and do it all over again.

I miss the infant you, the one year old you, the two year old you, the preschool you and the kindergarten you. I wish I held you a little tighter and loved you even more. But knowing that time cannot be retrieved, all I can do now is love you more deeply and cherish every minute of your seventh year.

Happy 7th birthday my child, this is going to be another amazing year for you and me.

(I still can't believe it's already been 2 years since the last birthday post. Where does the time go?)

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way.

Another year came and left swiftly; I celebrated another birthday. This year's birthday was low key and hangover free as my humble celebration consisted of a relaxing lunch date with my mother and dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant with family.

I realized this may be the year when I stop counting publicly, no more "happy xx-th birthday!" from family and friends. I prefer it this way as the number of my age is slowly becoming cumbersome, a source of unwarranted regret and trepidation about remaining years.

Instead of planning a lavish birthday party with friends and buying myself a new birthday outfit, this year consisted of a consultation-gone-wrong (maybe I will share one day) and a series of desperate questions aimed toward God, the Universe and self.

I have so much to be thankful for- a supportive husband, two beautifully imperfect children and loving parents and siblings who appear proud of how I turned out at this age. I too, am proud of my achievements as a mother and wife and hold myself a little tighter for all the trials I've managed to overcome.

As always though, I remain hungry and thirsty. I'm blessed yet unfulfilled; I'm thankful yet still not whole. I've been searching for answers and realize God still wants me to wait. He wants to teach me patience, a virtue I lack since birth.

This birthday I agreed I'll wait a little longer. I told Him I'm sorry I'm so impatient and temperamental. I told Him I love him regardless and thanked Him for loving me regardless of my greatest flaw- my perfectionist ideals that drive everyone, including myself crazy at times.

And finally I asked that the fruit of my labor is great enough to satisfy my internal yearnings. If the fruit turns out to be trivial and mediocre (by my standards, not the world's) I would have a series of lifelong disappointments to face. I would endure it of course, but I want to remain womanly and graceful in my later years and not become that bitter-faced middle aged woman I come across so often at churches and school functions nowadays.

Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way. I'm proud of you and love you... now go back to your roots and start doing what you do best. Now, go.

DOING is the hardest part, especially considering my inactive & contemplative personality where spending time and energy on preformed ideals feel like a cardinal sin.

God gave me a gift, and the opposite side of that leaf is the monstrous gape of my greatest fear.

Birthday weekend

 

It was hard to part with my twenties. In a way I was glad to begin a new decade since it marked another fresh start, but in the back of my mind I was sad that I was getting older. I can no longer claim being a 'young mom'- as I was now in middle of the child rearing age- and life seemed to offer less and less chances to let loose, have fun and be carefree.

This past weekend I got to celebrate another birthday with close friends and it was another reminder of how blessed I am to be surrounded by so much love. We had dinner at The Little Door, an adorable restaurant tucked away in middle of West LA that resembles a secret garden. You walk through the discreet wooden door and are invited into a fairytale-like courtyard with twinkling lights, candles & soft music. It's ambiance is romantic & elegant; the perfect restaurant for date nights and special occasions.

Food was decent although having dinner with a group of girls is less about the food but more about the ambiance, conversations and of course, good bubblies. This year we had a bottle of Moët & Chandon Nectarine Rosé to start the night. By far, this has to be my favorite rosé yet. We had mussels, mediterranean appetizer dish, black cod, fillet and chicken but I need to return to get a better idea about their food. We were too busy catching up, reminiscing about old memories, and congratulating new pregnancies so food was the last thing on my mind.

I'm incredibly blessed with wonderful girlfriends all of whom I've known for well over 10 years. Some of them are close friends from HS who I practically lived and breathed with everyday of my HS life and one of them is a roommate from college who I've been through all kinds of up's and down's with. Some of them I danced with, some of them I laughed & cried with and some of them I pulled all nighters with.

We slept on each other's hair and fought over stupid misunderstandings. We shared embarrassing drunken moments and secrets. We cried together over breakups and took long drives back home after all night of partying. In the end though, our friendship remains and becomes that much more valuable each year like vintage wine, but priceless and more flavorful. Seeing my girlfriends growing into beautiful mothers, wives & women is such a blessing and I'm incredibly blessed to have such genuine, long lasting friendships.

Female friendships are difficult to maintain, especially old friends. I too, had my share of backstabbing & jealous friends who smiled in my face and secretly wished for me to fall. In high school, I ended my first long term relationship because of a close friend who got between us. I was heartbroken for years after that. One of my bridesmaids tried to date my ex-boyfriend as soon as I got married. Another relationship down the drain with bad memories. Ahh the drama of broken hearts & broken friendships. Today I look back and laugh, as these stories remain as life lessons that make me more appreciative of my girlfriends today.

I had mixed feelings about turning 30, but today I'm glad to be at this place in my life. Twenties was so uncertain, unstable & drama-filled as I was still trying to find myself as a woman, wife & woman.  Turning 32 on the other hand, feels like a milestone because I now feel so much more grounded and happy in my own skin.

After our lovely dinner we headed out to a K-town club where we partied like we were 21 again. I walked in feeling awkward and old in midst of all the young 20-somethings but walked out totally lifted & carefree. Hours of singing karaoke, dancing & rocking to house music worked like a charm and I had so much fun -- too much fun that by the time I got home it was 6 am, another first in many years. :P

All my recent blog posts have been about family & children. Today I'm beyond grateful for my girlfriends- friends who have been by my side through thick & thin, friends who knew me long before marriage & kids, friends who I can grow old with. Even through wrinkles & gray hair, we will always be the same carefree girls we once were.

I remember watching Sex and the City as a college student and wishing I too, had friendships like them in my 30's. I remember wishing I aged gracefully & happily without forgetting how to belly laugh and dance all night with my girls. Today I realize I have all that and more and can't wait to see what the 30's have in store for me.

Happy 7th Birthday Elise!

Elise at Disneyland. 3. 29. 2012

We celebrated my daughter Elise's birthday by spending a day at Disneyland.  I can't believe she's already seven years old.  It is through her I got married at the premature age of 24 and because of her I'm doing what I do today.  She came as an unexpected surprise to my life and while there were many moments of uncertainty and anxiety as a young wife and mother, I can now confidently say that I am who I am today because of her.

She taught me countless invaluable lessons in life- the most important lesson being learning to let go of control and let God steer my life.  She taught me that no matter how articulate my plans are, none compares to that of God and that with every difficulty comes greater blessings.  This is not to say I'm at the end of my journey because difficulties are not over and greater blessings are on its way.  At times I still experience moments of despair and regret. Yet today, like every day of my life, I'm grateful that I am her mother and that she is my daughter.

My daughter still has many difficulties and needs daily medication and therapies to function like the average child.  I used to dedicate my prayers for her to "get better" and for her conditions "to improve."  Recently I began to realize how foolish I was, because God tells me that she is perfect just the way she is.

She has trouble with communication but knows how to connect better than some adults.  She needs medication but enjoys food like no other.  She loves to sing, dance, play, laugh and already knows how to enjoy the moment and be present in everything she does while I still struggle with this at age 31.  She has a stubborn streak like mommy but is already gifted with the art of letting go.  She does not harbor negativity and does not complain, judge or condemn like many of us.  She radiates her smile and laughter to everyone around her and teaches me everyday what it means to love without expectations.  She teaches me not to take anything for granted, that every little thing like reading, talking and exercising are only possible through God's grace.

She is love, love itself and serves as a daily reminder of the person I need to become.

Happy Birthday Elise!

I love you from the depth of my heart and without you, I could've never reached this deep. I owe the depth of my heart to you- my love, my life, my everything.

Happy 5th Birthday Tess

It's hard to believe that it's already been five years since I gave birth to my second daughter, Tessa. Motherhood was filled with tons of surprises, some good others bad but in the end, I'm so thankful to have two beautiful daughters who bring me that much closer to my lifelong dream.

Despite moments when I felt isolated in my struggles of learning to become a mother, I can now say I'm proud of myself for the mother I am today. This journey is far from over and I'm still learning everyday how to be more loving, more patient and more accepting of my own flaws and mistakes but what is most important is that I'm genuinely enjoying this journey of growing as a woman, mother and wife. Both my daughters are at school and I'm enjoying a rare moment of solitude and reflection, so today I begin this letter in gratitude.

My dearest Tessa,

I thank God everyday for your presence in my life. You brought so much love and joy to my life that you serve as a daily reminder of how blessed and loved I am. I don't have expectations of what I want you to be or how I want you to live your life. I'm happy with whatever your dreams are as long as it is something that makes your life brighter, happier and more fulfilled. You taught me the most valuable lesson in life and that is the art of letting go. You helped me to realize that God's plans are more perfect and complete than our own and that my role as a mother is not to direct or dictate, but guide and support you with love, kindness and warmth so you can one day become the woman you want to be- a woman who is strong in spirit but gentle at heart, a woman who can radiate warmth, love and hope to those who are blessed with your presence in their lives.

I promise to be here always to love, hold and kiss you anytime you need me.  I will make sure your heart, mind and body are nourished with the right ingredients, not in ways I plan but in ways you guide me. You're so special just the way you are- there is no way I could have planned or dreamed of a girl like you. You are beyond my dreams, beyond my expectations, beyond my goals. I love you my dear daughter, more than you can ever imagine and I thank you everyday, for fulfilling my dreams as a mother.

I thank you for your drawings, I thank you for your hugs & kisses, your smiles, your imaginations, your thoughts, your songs. I even thank you for your tantrums and night terrors because they teach me how to be more patient and to love unconditionally.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Because of you, my life, my happiness and my health mean so much more than it did before. You are the reason I'm here today and today, I'm beyond grateful, beyond blessed.

I love you, my precious baby girl. Happy birthday.