A Rare Religious Post: God Missed Me.

So about a month ago this is I wrote in a blog post. 

But it's the beginning of another day and there is so much room and time for another serendipitous encounter, another revelation, another epiphany. It's not here yet, but it will be here. Soon.

Well, I was right. That revelation, the epiphany that I was seeking came to me in the form of an invitation to lead a women's retreat coming up in August.

To tell this story, I must rewind and explain a bit about my religious background.

I was born and raised as Christian, Catholic to be exact. I don't like to make the distinction between Christianity and Catholicism because Catholics are the first Christians and Christians are further divided into protestants, baptists, methodists etc. but I won't get that technical or historical here. Well, I was raised as a Catholic-Christian.

My parents were devout Catholics and religious education was very important in my family. We never missed Sunday mass or a church camp, retreat, and other events held at the church. I was baptized, confirmed and married in the church. (Well to be exact, I had to have two weddings, one with a Protestant pastor and one with a Catholic priest. More on that later).

It was an unquestionable part of my existence. Naturally my parents assumed that I would marry a nice Catholic guy and continue to live out their unchallenged faith.

In a strange twist of fate, I married a PK- A Pastor's Kid- who also shared the same strict and conservative religious background. His father served as a pastor for over twenty years and the same religious ideals were upheld in their home. When it was time to be married I was told by my Mother-In-Law that I must convert into their protestant faith because I was the wife.

It took me less than a second to say I won't do anything like that against my will- and of course, trouble ensued. What seemed like a silent religious battle broke out between the two families and both my husband and I only knew what we were told at the time- we must choose one religion and give up the other.

Well years passed, children were born, and we were still unable to figure out a good solution. We still couldn't find a home church and we began our lonely journeys as Catholic-Protestants who travel here to fro like floaters. We attended his dad's church at times, attended mass at times and skipped church altogether most of the time.

In my marriage, the word "religion" was an oppressive force and I couldn't understand why God placed such confusion in my life. I was accused of negative traits that came along with being classified as a "Catholic" and I eventually stopped calling myself Catholic altogether.

If religion was becoming a source of confusion and disruption in my life, there was a reason. God was asking me to seek him deeper. I went from being a Christian, to Catholic to SPIRITUAL.

Thus my lonely spiritual journey began. I began to delve into other religions like taoism, hinduism and buddhism. I picked up whatever books I can find and began to read. I would go from Hindu literature to the bible to a book written by a priest who turned taoist.  I researched words like "New Age" and "Transcendental movement." I learned about Mormonism, Judaism and atheism. I talked to priests, buddhist teachers and psychics.

Being from the Asian culture naturally made me gravitate towards Eastern spirituality like buddhism and taoism, yet I still loved the rich traditions of Catholicism. There was something missing from every religion- or so I felt- and nothing seemed to completely fill the void I felt in my heart.

I never doubted the existence of God, I just needed to find my own way of serving and connecting with Him.

Sometime in 2007- during my lowest point of motherhood and the 20's- I found out about a women's retreat called the Cursillo that coincidentally began on my 27th Birthday. I was desperately seeking for answers to my spiritual agony, and therefore attended the weekend asking God for answers, clarity and strength.

I also needed to work out some emotional and psychological issues, as I was diagnosed earlier that year as clinically depressed.  I was told by a psychiatrist that I would need medication for at least a year, yet I hated the way anti-depressants made me feel. I said screw the medication- and vowed that I would find a better, more holistic way to heal myself.

I went into the weekend desperate and desolate and came out, three days later, feeling like I saw and felt a glimpse of heaven on earth.

I was a new woman and the next chapter of my spiritual journey began. I still couldn't figure out how to resolve the religious conflict between me and my husband's family but learned that it didn't matter anymore.

God didn't care what religion we belonged in. He just loved and missed us, and wanted us to stay close to him. He wanted us to pray with a humble heart, communicate with him daily, include him in our daily lives and every decision that we make. He wanted us to love ourselves and each other. He wanted us to serve others selflessly while not forgetting how much He loves and appreciates us.

That was all-- that was it. I truly believe that there are no religions in heaven. God does not categorize us into different parts- this is a very 'human' thing to do.

God does not categorize, condemn nor stereotype.  God loves and accepts us all. 

My spiritual journey is still ongoing. I feel this is a journey I will be taking until the day I die. But God planted a small seed in my heart that weekend and many miracles, both big and small, took place in my life since then.

Two weeks ago, I received a random phone call from my previous leader asking me to take over her place. Of course, this position is entirely voluntary and non-paid, much like the work I do around the home (Which goes entirely against my adolescent dreams- hah!). I will be serving as the spiritual leader of the upcoming women's Cursillo weekend. It's a position of honor that I know I'm unworthy to be given.

Even at this moment I don't know how I can fulfill this cause, and fill the role given to me. I don't follow all the rules of the institution or serve actively in a religious community. I'm far from dogmatic. Yet God is calling me because He needs me for a reason I do not yet understand.

I accepted this calling simply to serve. God calls, I will obey and follow. It's the least I can do for all that He has done for me. My human head doubts my worthiness as a leader- even now I don't know if I like the term leader.

I'm not a leader, but a follower of Christ.  Perhaps this is why He chose me.

I'm now embarking on another spiritual journey.  I don't know how it will play out; all I know is that God missed me.

An attitude of gratitude

I realized my attitude of gratitude has been on the decline lately, so coming across this inspirational quote by Milton is probably one of life's little epiphanies.

I'm currently on a strange path, a path I never envisioned I'd be walking in. It's a little scary, a little exciting, and a little lonely all at the same time but at the end of my night I know I'm blessed for this newfound opportunity. At times I yearn for a companion, someone who shares my intimate details down to the most trivial anxieties but I know this is a journey meant to be travelled alone most of the time.

We come into this thing called life alone..and just like that, we must leave alone. An attitude of gratitude helps us to count our blessings that exist in the form of family, friends, lovers & children but at the end of it all, we must first and foremost be kind to ourselves and nurture our individual journeys.

Excited for tomorrow's encounters, epiphanies, experiences & teachings. Tomorrow is another day, a day that I will strive to live out better than today.

What If You Wake Up One Day and You're Not Angry Anymore?

I've been waking up these days feeling much more inspired and motivated. As I recall, it was around this time of the year two years ago when I was suffering from disappointment & heartache. Everyday felt like struggle and I was trapped in these intense feelings of anger, hurt & betrayal.

I knew better, of course. I knew I need to stay positive, let go and move on but when one is in crisis, these things are much easier said than done. Often people are stuck in this negativity, and without even realizing it, move on in denial rather than resolution.

Humans are highly adaptable beings- and over time, we've mastered the process of denial, repression, avoidance & pretense. It's often much easier to move on without dealing with all the ugly feelings and covering them up with fake smiles. I don't blame anyone for this, as we have jobs to return to in the morning, bills to pay and responsibilities to uphold.

I too, tried this...without success- and perhaps it was this repeated failure that brought me to the lowest point in my darkest state.

Today I look back and am grateful that my threshold for avoidance, denial & repression is fairly low.  Because of my heightened awareness of my own struggles and fears, I was able to face my problems head on and learn one important lesson- perhaps the most important lesson of my lifetime.

That there are things, many things in this world that I cannot do on my own.

One was forgiveness. It didn't come easily and I was trapped in anger for too long. At times I find myself going back to that dark place of loneliness & betrayal, that place where I feel completely and utterly alone and misunderstood.

What I needed was God and time. I needed to pray, seek and wait patiently. I waited..and waited. I wrote and waited. I read and waited. I waited and waited...

And one day, I woke up and realized

I wasn't angry anymore.

Life is Never Random

Call me crazy but I still believe this.

Perhaps my belief is a stubborn way of wanting my life until now to make sense. If this turns out to be untrue, my life will suddenly be back into chaos, in that black hole of late teens & early 20's with no sense of direction or clear vision.

Or perhaps my belief comes from the truth- the one simple truth that one must never forget in this crazy, unpredictable cycle called life.

Faith.

Faith in something we've never seen, faith in something intangible like destiny.

Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is ever random. 

The higher you'll fly

I can't believe it's December already. I've been loving this weather lately, where I can finally enjoy a cup of coffee wearing my warm fuzzy robe while looking out into the cool gloomy sky through the frosted window.

Winter mornings of Southern California feel more like late fall, yet it sure does feel like the holidays. Our tree has been up since Thanksgiving and my daughters have been busy making their Christmas list for Santa. New Christmas stockings have been ordered and I'm about 1/4th done with Christmas shopping.  It's these little things that fill my heart with joy...these little things that make me grateful for family & friends I'm surrounded by.

These days I find myself drawing closer with loved ones and farther from ones who are selfish and negative. Knowing to draw boundaries have gotten a lot easier then before, but sometimes I found myself still torn -not about whether or not it's necessary- but how and when to do so.

Sometimes I feel bad and hypocritical for not having the tolerance I once had for negative people. Yet I now know that I can't change other people and expect others to change for me. I need to embrace all my loved ones completely and wholeheartedly--and if I find that I can't, I must take a step back and reassess that relationship which usually turns out to be superficial and shallow for reasons beyond my control.

December is a time be thankful for loved ones- to express gratitude, appreciation and love. It is also a good time to reassess our surroundings, clean up shaky paths and start fresh for the new year.

Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher. 

I'm ending 2012 on a good note, without any footprint left behind.

Love is like the rainbow

Rainbow by my home. 10, 2012.

It rained all day yesterday literally and figuratively. I welcomed the pouring rain with open arms as I was tired of the heat and scorching sun. Everything was starting to feel artificial and forced and I was glad to finally open my windows and breath in real air and hear the sound of raindrops, not the usual humming of air conditioning in my home.

Life seems to have reset itself. I always feel this after a day of pouring rain. The sky changes from dark, to gloomy, to spotty, to bright, to high, to low and back to dark...and while it goes through these countless transformation all I do is wait for a glimpse of a rainbow.

True love is like the rainbow, it can only be created after the rain.

God's love for us is like this, as he strengthens us through numerous trials...and love between two people are like this as well, as the person we love sometimes bring us to a new low. Without love there would not be so much pain.

I saw a double rainbow yesterday, a beautiful & vibrant one, and my five-year old was so excited as this was her very first. We excitedly ran outside in our rainboots and began to snap pictures before it disappears. It was one of those quiet joys in life that God sometimes graces us with when we least expect it, the kind that reminds us that He  is always watching over us.

Grateful for rainy days, especially rainbows after the storm.

Life is stranger than fiction

Candied Threads by Andreka

Another busy weekend passed by; one friend turned 33 and another friend's son just celebrated his first birthday. Life keeps bringing me around in circles as I run into old faces and meet new lives.

Life is pretty amazing I must say, and I had an epiphany as I was being introduced to babies and little juniors who look just like their parents, people from my past.

It was yet another opportunity to rethink ideas like destiny & fate...and destiny seems to work in funny ways. Old lovers break up and marry their close friends, acquaintances become husband and wife, one marries his friend's ex-girlfriend, and his ex-girlfriend marries her ex-boyfriend. As complicated and dramatic as these examples sound, these events really took place and this is only one person's life- mine.

If destiny wasn't invisible but took form in visible threads, it would look pretty damn complicated and knotty, and we wouldn't know how to untangle them ourselves.

I guess this is where God steps in. I guess this is why destiny is beyond our control.

So I was sitting there in this large room filled with these people from my past, some present friends, others from my distant past thinking how funny life works, how funny love plays out-- finally realizing that life really is stranger than fiction sometimes...

You really never know, this funny thing called life.

Occasionally I come across a song that I become obsessed with, one that I can't help but to play over and over again. It parallels my life and brings out emotions I never knew existed. A mere coincidence-- or another funny joke played by this funny thing called life.

I'm currently trapped in this obsession, thinking how fast life is passing by before me. Time flies by yet feelings remain trapped in these songs, packed into these words. I wish there's something I can do to make these feelings pass like time.

Why won't they go away. And why can't I stop playing this tune inside my head.

Stress on mind, body & soul

Raspberry Tea by Andreka

New lesson of the week: our body detects stress whether or not our mind realizes it.

I'm a firm believer in keeping our surroundings positive and dynamic with like-minded people and staying away from negative, jealous and hateful people. However our lives aren't perfect and neither are those around us. There will always be a family member or close friend who goes through difficulties in life and at times there is no way to distance ourselves from negativity no matter how much we try.

Negativity is an inevitable part of life. When this happens, instead of trying to detach myself from the situation by avoidance, denial or indifference, it's best to accept my hurt, sadness & disappointment and communicate these feelings to loved ones around me.

Accept, acknowledge, embrace, resolve rather than avoid, escape, deny and ignore. No matter how hard we try to ignore, our body is already aware of these emotional & psychological changes and will begin to react.

It is the distraction, not meditation that becomes habitual.  Tonight I'm going to a small group meeting with women from my church. For the past few months I've been too self-absorbed to really reflect on myself and my surrounding-- and even though I'm running around busily, I find myself getting nowhere. I'm running around in circles...what a lonely and isolating journey it has been.

I'm looking forward to this time of reflection, rejuvenation & reconnection with self and God.  Today I'm thankful for my body and another chance at renewal.

Childhood Diary

Stories in the books by Andreka

I recently visited my mom's house and returned with a bag full of surprises: old pictures, letters and a diary I kept as an eleven year old. It made me smile and just as I was getting into my childhood musings, I realized most of its pages were missing. I must've ripped them out for fear of my mom reading through them (as she often did) or simply because I was embarrassed of my 11-year old self when I became a self-conscious teenager.

I wonder what kind of secrets and events took place in those pages. It's as if a huge chunk of my childhood is missing and all I have are these hazy, fleeting memories in my head. 

According to the few pages that remain, I stayed up late studying for a map test because I wanted to be the top of my class. I was preparing for a speech for our graduation ceremony.  I was disappointed that I didn't win the best student award. I was nervous about junior high and sad to be leaving my teacher and friends. I had a secret crush on some boy and was sad that he was exchanging letters with another girl in class. 

Some things haven't changed since age 11 to now, twenty years later.  I still enjoy staying up late alone and wonder if my crush thinks about me. 

"Do you still think I'm beautiful?" I asked my husband last night while getting ready for bed. 

"Of course I do baby, why do you even ask?" He replied matter-of-factly as if I was asking an unnecessary and trifling question.

There remained a silent distance between us; between my silly question and his indifferent answer. 

What was I trying to prove? Of course he did. We've been married for nearly 8 years and we have two beautiful children together. Of course he thinks I'm beautiful.

All night I tossed and turned, tired yet unable to slow down the memories flooding my mind.

This morning I stirred awake as my husband was putting Neosporin on my scarred shoulder. I had accidentally burned myself with a curling iron last weekend and the burn is a lot worse than I thought. It felt good, in a comforting kind of way, and reminded me of my childhood when my mom used to tend my scars. I murmured "thank you honey" and drifted back to sleep as he got ready for work.

Just like my scar and everything else in life, beauty will fade. And just as I look at my college graduation pictures and realize I was a lot prettier than I thought I was at the time, I'll one day look at today's pictures and think wow, I look so much younger here.

I know what really matters is not outward beauty but beauty that radiates from within, the kind that transcends time. It took nearly 30 years to truly love and appreciate myself--yet this doesn't change my womanly desire to be beautiful in my lover's eyes- ten, twenty and thirty years from now.

I wonder if he thinks about me even as he's immersed in work, exchanging words and glances with other beautiful people in the world. I wonder if he sees my beauty within. And when he does, I hope he can feel my heart that remains pure regardless of the passing time; immovable, unchangeable and reserved for him and him only.

First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love

By Eliza J Photography

Many years ago I thought I knew love well enough to be married and have a child. First comes love then comes marriage...this is what we hear and come to believe.

Today, two children and many struggles later, I realize real love comes after marriage and after children. Looking back now I didn't know a thing about love...real love...the kind that is selfless, patient, forgiving and self-giving.

No other words embody this love better than the bible, a simple verse from the first Book of Corinthian that I'm all too familiar with. I heard this verse many times throughout my life but it carried little meaning and weight until now.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.   

Today as I look through photos from our recent family photo session, these words awaken me from deep slumber and stir my heart from the depth of my soul.

I'm falling in love with my family all over again.

This love is not instantaneously gratifying and often comes without a fair return. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I'm left hopeless, tired and isolated in my struggles and worry.

This love forces you to give up everything you've loved and known for the sake of another human being. This love brings you down, wears you out and asks you to repeat it all over again the next morning without giving up.  This love is difficult and at times painful.  This love is far from perfect and neither is my family.

Yet I love them deeply and whole-heartedly without regret. I don't love them simply because they bring me joy & happiness. I love them even though I know their deepest weaknesses and darkest fears. I can't help but to love them...This must be love- real love- the kind that God tries to teach us through family & children.

photos by eliza j photography

I know my love is not perfect and my struggles are far from over. But today in this moment, my life is better and more complete than any perfection I envisioned until now.

God's love is truly like the rainbow, it can only be created after heavy rain.

Today my heart is filled with a thousand butterflies fluttering and whispering words of real love and gratitude-- and this realization would not have been possible without my crazy, imperfect family.

Reconciliation

Bird house by Beverly LeFevre

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, "I used everything you gave me."

Today I reconcile with myself, with past mistakes and failures and with those in my environment.  Instead of pushing forward with a false sense of security and comfort and finding myself regressing to the same place, I will push forward with strong conviction, faith and most importantly, love in my heart.

It makes no difference whether a bird is tied by a thin thread or a cord. Still, it cannot fly.

Palm Sunday

I planned to attend mass with my mom and sister but ended up spending the entire morning in my bed instead.  The wind was howling all night and I couldn't fall asleep until very late.  I have to admit it was actually quite nice waking up to complete silence instead of the usual sounds of kids & a dog, being able to lie in bed all morning without getting up to fix breakfast or get kids ready for school.

I bought flowers for myself yesterday as a token of apology and gratitude. I neglected my heart for too long and I wanted to say I'm sorry.  I wasted too much energy fixing my surroundings without fixing myself from within.  I must care for my heart and forgive myself first before I can forgive anyone else.

I'm sorry and I love you.  Let's start over.

Courage

On Pain by artstudio Norarts 

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear- Ambrose Redmoon

My best friend texted me this quote today and it is just what I needed to hear on this gloomy Saturday afternoon. God has a funny way of bringing people and inspiration in our lives when we most need it when we least expect it.

It's finals week in which months of efforts and self-control are put to the final test.  It is now time to put myself to test and get closer to my long term goal.  I'm still amazed I'm doing this as I'm in school for something that is entirely different from what I had imagined but again, God has a funny way of placing us in strange paths when we least expect it.

I'm going through a momentous transition now, a transition that is frightening and difficult. They say happiness comes from within but there are instances where one's surroundings obstruct the heart from truly feeling the happiness one deserves.

Some say you can find happiness wherever you are.  Others say you can't rely on someone else to make you happy.  Of course happiness comes from within but sometimes rediscovering one's happiness requires courage followed by pain.  Either way I must find my place and myself again.  The only thing that matters is my heart- and sometimes it takes a random phone conversation with an old friend to remind myself the goodness of my heart.  

Courage takes time. Courage takes work. Courage takes perseverance.  Courage takes faith. I can't let fear stop me from being courageous because God would not have placed me here if I wasn't able to overcome it.

Dreams

Dream by Nayoun Kim

It is sometimes frightening to trust my intuition. It is always disastrous not to trust it. 

A spiritualist once told me to pay attention to my dreams and to keep a dream journal by my bed. She also told me I have the third eye. This seemed weird at the time but I think all she was reminding me to do was stay connected with my intuition and trust my inner voice.  After all, I've always been an intuitive person rather than a logical, linear thinker.

I've had some very significant dreams in my life that I will forever remember until I die. I've also had dreams that I dismissed as insignificant and meaningless.  I thought a dream is only a dream though Freud and Jung will disagree.

Recently, I've been having vivid dreams that are heartfelt and frightening at the same time. I've had dreams where a person who means so much to me hurts me in frightening ways and strangers become more meaningful. A loved one leaves and a stranger comes. Last night a stranger came and left with a smile. I wanted to ask him to stay but could not knowing it was not my time or place. An elevator door closed between us, leaving me to feel empty and powerless over my present situation.

It's funny how reality continues to play out in my dream as another layer to our existence.  Reality is materialistic, dreams are transcendent.  Suppressed feelings become magnified and suppressed anxieties play out in disturbing ways I don't even think about in my daily life.  God is telling me my intuition is more meaningful than the material world and that dreams can be a more accurate reflection of my soul than my daily actions.

Despite it all, I've been feeling a sense of peace, comfort and strength in my life. Attending group meetings with other women is definitely helping me to feel more connected with my inner self, inner God and put my surroundings into perspective. I'm now able to connect my inner trials with those around me by stories they tell and feelings they validate.

God is reaching out to me again and I feel strengthened and more at peace. My body is worn but soul is slowly being renewed.  My dreams continue and they remind me to stay connected with my inner voice that is God-- and for this, I'm grateful.

Without God, I am nothing and without God between us, we are nothing.

Silence

Silence by Sandra Arduini

That moment when silence speaks louder than words.

That touch, the soft touch that negates the silence.

The belief that fills my heart with even more uncertainty.

The dream that is scattered all over my room and empty walls.

The vision that is created in my own ego, not His will. 

The feeling, that powerful feeling that keeps translating to love.

Love, one that is lost, recovered and rediscovered, only to be lost again. 

The silence that I still cannot stand but must endure.

That moment when silence speaks louder than words

Love language

Daybreak in the Meadow by Joy StClaire

Perhaps that was the problem, I didn't take the time to slow down and reflect. I've been running around frantically to make things better, to put things in order and feel a sense of clarity by seeking answers instead of letting it unfold as God intended. Perhaps what was playing out was too painful and confusing to endure, and in my desperation I tried to diffuse emotions by pushing forward blindly.

I realize there is too much seeking, too much questioning, too much asking, too much talking, too much negotiating, too much justifying, too much fixing, too much mending--mending something that is already broken and long gone.

I waste time on mending because I'm a coward.  If God is love and I lack faith in love, does that mean I lack faith in God? Logic says so but no, it's my heart.  All I can do is wait for God to speak to me since only He can help me to pick up the pieces.

God isn't the voice who said "Let there be light."  He is the light. He is the moment. I'm with the voice, not the moment.

The irony is that everything around me remains the same...if I choose not to awaken, I can live in this delirium and emptiness for many years, even a lifetime. But can I? I wish I can, but I know I cannot.  

If I knew what I know today I would've done things differently, but this doesn't matter since valuable lessons in life don't come for free. The more valuable the lesson is, heftier the price tag.

In a previous post I wrote I didn't yet know how to love selflessly. Now I realize I do know how to love selflessly. I knew all along.

It's him. It's me. It's me and him. He tries, I try. He doesn't try. I try.  He tries, I don't try. Why are we even dancing when we don't speak the same language to begin with. Why can't we dance even though we speak the same love language.

He tells me he doesn't deserve me. I laugh. How do I tell him that because of him, I now don't deserve any better. Now that I know, how can I take my wounded heart to someone I love selflessly. How does he not understand. How selfish he is, until this day.

Or perhaps it's me.  He is not changing, I am.  

Why am I relying on words, actions and objects to fill this void in my heart when all I need is one look, one touch and one moment to fill it instantly.  It's overflowing, abundant, too right and perplexing all at the same time.

Still the body

Wynn, Las Vegas

Life came back full circle again, providing me another rare moment of solitary reflection.  It's been weeks since I've been truly alone and it feels nice to type away random thoughts while being enveloped in nothing but silence. No sound of kids, telephone rings, door bells, clanking dishes or car engines..just the low murmur of my laptop and clicking sound of my fingers against the keyboard.

Ahh--this is what my life was lacking for too long. Instead of typing away thoughts or retracing actions, I'm simply going to dedicate this time to breathe and be present in the moment.

I hope this means I can finally find more time to write and blog.

Still the body.

Quiet the mind.

Discover the spirit. 

I am only one

Float by Joy StClaire

I am only one. But still I am one.

I cannot do everything. And because I cannot do everything,

I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

-Helen Keller-

Life is suddenly hectic, stressful and mentally & emotionally draining. I feel overwhelmed, lost and am tempted to break down and ask someone for help. But I know too well that this is my own battle to fight and overcome, and no one can help me but myself.

I am battling myself- my inner demons that hide behind a smiling facade.

There still remains a part of me that wishes to hide and wither away, trying to avoid and escape what life has in store for me. Yet there is no where to run, no where to hide, no one to guide or rescue me except God, my creator.

Despite my desperation my creator tells me to remain strong for he made me bold & courageous. As long as I know my valor comes from Him, I cannot refuse.

 I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

Spring Midnight

In perfect harmony with spirit of Easter, my husband decided to surprise me with these beautiful pink orchids. I was never good at keeping plants alive so this will be another attempt at learning.

It's 1:54 am and I'm still wide awake, mind filled with future plans and daily complexities. I think my daughters are sad about sudden changes in mom's schedule, but I know they'll understand one day. Despite my personal & professional goals in life, my heart is always with my beautiful daughters and will always be.

I live for them. I live because of them. I finally live a full life thanks to them.

On a different note, is there a better way to say I'm glad Jesus rose from the dead without sounding like every other Christian? I guess not.

But really Jesus, thank you for your birth, life, death & resurrection. You continue to give me hope and teach me valuable lessons in life. Thank you for making Easter possible. Thank you for another opportunity at renewal.

Love eternally,

Grateful Angela

Love + Death, Eternity

The Perfect Lie by Artstudio Norarts

A little over a week ago, a dear friend lost her 31 year old husband unexpectedly and it has been heart wrenching to watch someone so young, bright & vibrant endure such a tragic loss. I also learned a lot, one important lesson being that loss, sadness & grief are all relative feelings and that it is up to the affected person to give it a beautiful or monstrous facade. My friend dealt with her sudden loss with so much grace, faith and beauty that my husband commented he saw an angel at the funeral service. Even in our 6 years of marriage and 14 years of friendship I know I never became this angel--- and I'd hate to wait until his death to become one.

As I sat in front of the open casket adorned with red roses, my eyes welled up with tears not of sadness but of joy. One's soul does live on upon death because I felt his presence all around me. He is now an angel teaching me that I do not yet know how to love. I know how to ask, seek and take but do not know how to love selflessly. I know how to love in my way with my own set of expectations but I do not yet know how to love selflessly. I envision selfless love to be something I must try, and try again until the moment of death. As my 4-year old daughter likes to say, that's okay--- because I still have another chance to learn, grow & love.

It's a shame that it takes momentous tragedies such as this to realize such a basic lesson in life. Life is too short and one can never have too much time to love and sacrifice for each other while we are still here on earth. I know this now and remain grateful to God and the beautiful couple for teaching me such fundamental lesson of life. Yet I also know too well that responsibilities, bills, kids and life will make it fade away with time.

I pray I can hold onto this feeling of humility, gratitude & selfless love just a little longer, even if it means just one more day, one more hour.